On Saturday March 25, I discovered that my dad had died.

As the intimate universe would have it, the tender and powerful @marcgafni (a Rabbi turned cosmo-erotic humanist mystic) was with me when my father was discovered.

After four days of us sitting “shiva house” in mourning and celebration of the passing of my dad, I am utterly in awe. These days have been some of the most magical, miraculous, painful, and beautiful days of my life. This podcast may be the most important and vulnerable thing I have ever offered. It’s what Michael Phillip Marcus would have wanted. 

Marc and I have been combining all of our human tenderness with elements of our respective mastery to co-create an evolutionary week of mourning, celebration, and ceremony. While many aspects of the Hebrew shiva tradition have been maintained, the practice has been evolved and adapted for this unique situation to include shamanic medicine ceremonies and the psychotech of the Shabbat table.

Ultimately the purpose of this is to evoke the blessing of the father, and to assist him in his journey into wholeness in the life beyond life. And then to open source this process to the community and the world.

This live stream conversation with the Fit For Service community is both intensely personal and universal, raw, and refined. It is the highest blessing to my father, that his passing is bringing the deepest revealing connections with everyone who knew and loved him, and that hopefully these stories and the wisdom they contain will touch some of you.

I love you all very much 🤍

Rest In Purpose MPM 👑

AUBREY: So, we're live here with Fit For Service family here. And I'm here with Marc Gafni. And that's a miracle in and of itself, actually, that you're here during this time. And, what I can say about my father's passing is that, I've never been in a space where I've felt the grace and miracle more present than in this last week. It's beyond anything that I've ever experienced in my life by a longshot. There's a lot, there's a lot of deep grief, and, so much, so much grace. Because my father, he was really suffering in unimaginable ways over the last 12 years. The mental illness which crept up, crept up, hit a tipping point where he got lost in the voices in his head, and the unprocessed trauma, and the pain. The pain that he did his best to free himself from. And that's one thing I can say about my dad is, he did enough work that I could get free. I could get free. 

And, now, we're in a process together, with Marc and with the whole family, have everybody flying in. All my allies, all the shamanic realms, everybody coming in, and we're going to help really liberate him by collecting all of the pieces that he had lost along the way, and bring it into wholeness. Heal them completely within myself. So, all of the patterns that I may have taken on, many of which I've worked on and worked on, but all remaining patterns within myself fully healed in the sun. And then as they heal in the sun, they'll heal in the Father, and they'll heal in the whole lineage. And that's the tikkun, the fixing that we're here to do this week. 

I've never really known about what the Buddhists and, in our lineage, talking about the bardo, the place in between. And, in my medicine journeys that I've had since his passing, we found that he passed on Saturday. Was it Saturday or Sunday?

MARC: Saturday night. 

AUBREY: Saturday night.

MARC: As we landed.

AUBREY: As we landed from Sedona. He'd actually been passed for a while, but, he had been basically isolated and barricaded in his home for about 12 years, and wouldn't let anybody talk to him or see him. We kept trying and kept trying, kept trying, but he had kind of created his own insulation to prevent that, and prevent anyone from kind of breaching his story. And, in this release, it's an opening, it's a space, and it's a space for incredible healing. We have a plan that's coming together moment by moment, and just listening and listening and, and trusting not only what the lineage guidance is for this process, but also what's real right now in the moment, what I can feel in my body when I connect, in my own way, which of course is the psychonautic way. It's the way of using the psychedelic medicines, particularly the ketamine-cannabis combination, which is kind of my core journey methodology. 

And, we had a powerful journey where you were actually a part of that process, and able to connect to him, and maybe we'll tell some of those stories, about how that's been. But, it's been the combination of the deep lineage wisdom of holding Shiva, and all of the processes for the bardo. And also, all of my own felt gnosis about where I can contact, and the levels that I can see all the parts of my father. Both the part that was fractured, and also the part that, his dad, like, "Dad, dad, dad." He's there too. And it's about bringing that together. 

So, for the next little bit, we're going to talk a lot about this process and what we're doing here. We're going to continue kind of explaining this process, so that this process in a way is now open sourced for like, this is what I did when I lost my father, in this circumstance. And this is how we're responding with the best of our ability. And for sure, it won't be perfect, but it's going to be the best we can possibly do. We'll share this, all the technology, and all of the lessons and insights that we've learned, so that the world can know this way. All the way from the grieving, mourning, celebrating, to the ceremony, to the whole thing that we have going on. 

So, for the next little bit, I'm going to talk with Marc, and we're going to talk about what we're doing, and maybe share some stories. And then, just get some questions from you guys. Because ultimately, my father wanted a more beautiful world. He really did. He tried to make it for himself, and he tried to make it for the world. Through us, he's going to live that... He's going to be able to live that story. I really believe that. I really believe that together we can build the world that he always wanted. And, so, we're going to do our best to move this piece forward, about the blessing of the Father, and rescuing the lost Father and, and all of these different storylines that we can bring together. And, create that tikkun not only for me, not only for my lineage, but for everybody who wants to tune in, and feel it, and see it.

MARC: Yeah, thank you. Thank you, brother. I mean, what I want to do, and we're going to stay really close in this. It's good to be with you. Great is the wrong word, it's just good. It's good to be together, it's good to... I've heard a lot from Aub about the Fit For Service community over the last, I guess, year and a half. And so, thank you for welcoming me in your presence and in your community. I want to try and spend just the next few minutes before I turn back to Aub, just to share with you, just the unimaginable agony and ecstasy, the wonder of these days. I'm just going to try and map what's happening in the most personal intimate way. And also in the most broad, cultural, transpersonal, global, cosmic way. 

And so first, it's just unimaginable that I'm here. There's no possible way. Aub called and said, okay, maybe we could do Sedona, and didn't look it would work, but we kind of felt we needed to do it. So, I came to Sedona. We had this beautiful, unimaginably beautiful deep process when we land on Saturday night. And Aub's dad dies. It was just unimaginable that we were together in this moment, in this moment of the death of the Father. And I'm going to just start to weave a bunch of things just for a few minutes so we can kind of get the context of our conversation today and tomorrow, and in the next days, and next week. So, we'll try and kind of lay the field because here kind of context is everything. I never talk with notes, but actually late deep into last night I just sat and then got up early this morning, and made pages and pages of notes that I probably won't look at. But the reason I made them is because this is so delicate, the weave is so delicate, it's so fine, that we have to weave it almost precisely right.

AUBREY: And also, we went to my father's house yesterday which was--

MARC: And these notecards...

AUBREY: An unimaginably intense process, because it was like the lair of King Lear. It was going into the cave of King Lear, and it was all of his beauty, and all of his reaching, and all of his design--

MARC: Agony and all--

AUBREY: Exactly, to really try and find his way through. And we got to see the unimaginable clues and miracles that were there in the house. But part of these notes is you wrote them with my father's pen.

MARC: On his note card that were left on his desk.

AUBREY: On my father note cards that were left at his desk. 

MARC: And we're rewriting the story in that. 

AUBREY: That's right, that's right. 

MARC: Yeah. So, first, just strangely in my life about a year ago, I started inexplicably to myself, talking about what I called then, the blessing of the Father. And so, I just want to just invite everyone, myself, and Aubrey. Aubrey is at the center of this for a very particular reason, because he's the son who lost the father. But he's not only the personal son who lost the father, he's standing in this week for the son that lost the father. And where we are, is, we're looking for the blessing of the Father. So I just want to ask everyone just for a second, just to find that in your own body, in your own heart, in your own mind. Who can just feel that? We have a yearning, a longing for the blessing of the Father. We want the blessing of the Father, and we don't know how to get the blessing, and we don't know how to find it. And whether we did get it or didn't exactly get it, it's always complex from our biological father. We want our biological father, and we want the blessing of the Father. Culture wants the blessing of the Father. 

And yet, in some deep sense, and what we're going to do is, and this is part of where we are, we're in this moment of death. We're in the death of the Father. And Saturday night, out of nowhere, Aubrey says, my father died. So we're in the death of the father. It's the most personal, it's the most intimate. In a few minutes, I'm going to turn to Aubrey and we're going to go into this very, unimaginably beautiful, tragic, post tragic, We're going to go from the tragic to the post tragic. We're going to go into this death of the father, of Michael Philip Marcus, Aubrey's dad. 

And at the same time, we're going to move between the personal and the cultural, and the cosmic. And just really gently, everyone, that's the core of lineage. The Hebrew wisdom lineage has this idea called Shiva. But by Shiva, we don't mean Lord Shiva. Although Lord Shiva is there from the great Hindu tradition. But Shiva means the oath. Shiva, I swear. Shiva means complete fullness, and Shiva means seven. So, it's seven days, in which I step into Shiva, I step into mourning. And I say to Empire, "Stop, I'm not willing to bypass the pain. I'm not willing to bypass the grief. I'm not willing to leave unfinished business on the table." 

And how many of us know something about unfinished business? About feelings we didn't feel through to completion. And any feeling I don't feel through to completion hijacks my life. But that's true both personally. So, in Shiva, where we are right now, if I can locate ourselves, where are we, we're in the Shiva house. Jane Fonda just has a movie on Netflix now called I think, "This is Where I Leave You". And it's about the Shiva house. It's about her husband asking the children to sit Shiva together. So, we're in the Shiva house. And the Shiva house is this moment, Shiva is only for the death of the father or mother. So, it's that rupture. But in the Shiva house, we don't go away from the community. This is what's happening now. We go towards the community. So, the Shiva house is not we withdraw into the biological family. Actually, the Shiva house is filled with food, and it's filled with people. All day and all night, people. And we're telling the story of the lost father. And sometimes we're trying to do a fixing. We're trying to rescue the lost Father, and we're trying to receive the blessing of the Father that we might not have been able to receive in our lifetime. And yet something else is happening at the same time. 

Which is the way Aubrey and I came together, is I'm sitting here trying in this time between worlds, how do we reweave the story of culture? And I was thinking about the same thing, and we come together and we start to study, and holy of holies, the lineage, and we're looking for the blessing of the Father in culture. We've killed the Father in culture. So, just feel that with me for a second, friends, so we can just kind of place it. 

In the traditional world, pre-modernity, religion's hijacked the father, said, we own the Father. And anyone who's not with our Father gets killed. Modernity said, Fuck that father. The Father is, be successful. The father calls you to be successful, to achieve. And then post modernity said, there's no value at all. Post modernity killed the Father. There is no Father, there is no masculine, just patriarchy. It's some negative, contorted tragedy. And of course, post modernity got it partially right. There's a lot of tragedy in the Father. But there's also the Father, the blessing of the Father. The blessing of the Father in culture is value. 

The Mother holds me, right? Sinead O'Connor, remember that song, "This Is To Mother You". The Mother holds me no matter what. She's unconditional. Every place I fall, I fall into her arms. That's the Mother. The Father calls me, calls me to value, calls me to greatness. The Father demands that I show up. And we want to meet the Father. We want the Father to call us personally, each one of us. The unfinished business of the Father. And yet, we can't find the Father, we can't find the blessing of the Father. And so, what we want to do this week is we want to be in the Shiva house. But we want to be in a new Shiva house, not just that of Hebrew wisdom, but shamanism, and the best of Buddhism, and the best of Kashmir. And we're going to weave it together in this new vision of a world religion as a context for our diversity. And we're going to take this crisis, this crisis in Aubrey's life, the death of the Father, and use it to do two things. 

Use it, meaning turn fate into destiny. We're going to step into the Shiva house. And there's two unimaginable things happening this week. With this, I'm going to turn to Aub, and we're going to go deep into all of this. First, Aub's father, not the Father, Michael Phillip Marcus that Aubrey wrote so beautifully about this morning, is in this space in between. And we can feel it in the space. He's not free yet. And so, this is the moment where the son and the community. And here I'm not just as a world philosopher, Aubrey's friend and beloved, and we study together, but actually as brother, and beloved, and as rabbi. In that traditional way, we're going to sit in the Shiva house together, like always happens. And we're going to look for... And we need all of us for your dad. 

AUBREY: Yeah. 

MARC: We're going to go into the bardo, which is a hard place. And Aubrey is going to tell what emerges from him of his father's story, and of his greatness,and of his everything, his holy and broken hallelujah. 

AUBREY: Yeah, amen. 

MARC: But at the same time, we're going to do what always happens in this. We're going to look for the Father. We're going to look for the blessing of the Father in culture itself. So, we're going to move back and forth and back and forth. And I just want to maybe finish just with one image, Aub. Then I'm going to turn just to the most personal intimate, but just so we can get this together, I mean, what's the biggest story told in the 20th century? And the biggest during the 20th century, crazy. "Star Wars". What's "Star Wars" about? It's about a boy looking for his father. That's the whole thing is about.

AUBREY: And his father's turned dark.

MARC: And his father's turned dark. That's literally the story. Just to get that in your body--

AUBREY: Darth Vader is dark father. 

MARC: Darth Vader is literally dark father. And the most watched, told story of the 20th century opens with a boy named Luke who doesn't know who his father is, and he's looking for his father. He's got Obi Wan Kenobi who's standing in as a father. We don't know who Darth Vader's father is. So, one thing we never know, who's his father? And so, it's the story of a son plunging in to bring his father back. And he can only bring his father back if he does his own, if he becomes a Jedi Knight. If he does his own tikkun. And the word tikkun, we mean transformation, fixing. So the most epic story, let's just get this for a second, of the 20th and 21st century. And this is culture speaking, not George Lucas. George Lucas is just a vehicle for culture. Is a boy looking for his father, a father that can only be liberated by the son. The son's got to find the spark of the sacred in the father and bring the father home. 

And then go back to the lineage, friends. Go back to the lineages of Genesis. All the lineages of Genesis; Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, are about the son getting the blessing of the father. Can you find the blessing of the father? And when the son can't find the blessing of the father, Jacob, Jacob chapter 27, Genesis, he goes to steal the blessing from the father. There's moments when the father doesn't even know how to give it. And so, you wrote this morning, maybe let's start there, brother. You wrote this morning. You wrote, you said, dad, I've got you. And we've been talking, I mean, you and I have been talking nonstop the last two and a half days. And, so many times, it's come up where you said, dad, you went far enough. You didn't fail. Everything you did brought me to the place where I can now step in. And step in to find you. And so, brother, I just, I turn to your heart, crazy wide open. Tell us about your dad. Let's get total personal intimate. Who was your dad? 

AUBREY: Yesterday, when I was at my father's house, we found some old journals, and all the old relics, things that were impossible that we found, things that I never knew existed when I was with him. It helped me even remember more the fullness of who my father was. And, I had a great father. I had a great father. For 30 years, I had a great father. And he had his challenges, but every one of his challenges also contains his beauty as well. So, my father had a very, very difficult relationship with his father. His father was a judge, literally a judge. But would play out judgment on his children in a very Kafkaesque way, putting his sons on trial. So, the judge was this major archetype in his mind. And what it transferred to my father was both this ruthless judgment, but also this relentless self-inquiry for impeccability, and integrity. 

I remember, this was back in the days before there were cell phones and easy communication. If my father left a hotel, let's say in New York, and we flew to LA, and he remembered that he forgot to tip the bellman who took his bags, he would call somebody in New York to go over to the hotel and find the person, and give him a tip. He couldn't leave anything out of his own integrity. 

MARC: So, a kind of radical integrity.

AUBREY: Radical integrity. And at the same time, his judge could get hijacked by the stories that his mind would tell from the wounds and the shame that he hadn't processed. So, this was the complicated aspect. He was a man of the most integrity, and also, someone who could become blinded by those forces that would kind of hijack his mind. And so, he was constantly in this struggle. And, this struggle had led him to, first he went for conventional therapy, he actually checked himself--

MARC: I'm going to jump in for a second because you said something so important before we go the next step, and I just want to turn to community, and just notice what Aubrey just did. And I'm going to be the, not the philosopher, the rabbi and the friend. Aubrey started by saying, had a great father. That's a hard one sentence. That's not simple. There's lots of ways that the son can go. And the son can go, I was traumatized and go, I was wounded. Aubrey's father, I've been hearing so much about him, was truly a great father, but it would have been easy for Aub to get lost along the way. And so, he wasn't saying a casual sentence. He was saying, oh, I had a great father. That's a hard one sentence. And from there, right? And truly hold that. That begins to open up to receive the blessing of the Father. 

AUBREY: Amen.

MARC: So, yeah. 

AUBREY: Yeah. So, before I was born, it led him to seek conventional therapy. He actually checked himself into an institution to try and get the best psychiatric help that he could.

MARC: What was it, eight years before you were born?

AUBREY: Yeah, in the 70s somewhere. I was born in '81. And that didn't do much. So he continued his quest. And the next stop on his quest, which was around the time I was born, where he met my mother, he was in Primal therapy. Primal therapy is, and I remember this, because we had these... He built these rooms that were all padded rooms, and the walls were padded, I remember it. It was brown leather, and it was thick carpet. And it was for where he would go in, and just release his rage. Call forth his rage and pound against the walls, and call forth his rage. And it got a lot of emotions moving, but it also patterned the rage. It didn't allow it to transmute, it just brought it to the surface. And so, one of the things that I really... My father told me about, he eventually, realized how damaging actually the primal therapy was. And maybe he missed some of the help that it actually gave him, because it opened things, it got things moving. But he always said, like, this is not the way. 

But one of the things that I've learned from that is that when you can process rage like Vylana does on her "Into The Goddess" track and what she's working with Mama Gina, and with the swamping. There's a way to actually take that and then take the next step and alchemize it. So, when we do ecstatic dances, sometimes we'll drop into that rage state, but we'll dance it through our body, and then we'll move it to gratitude, and we'll move it to something else. And that's the piece that primal therapy didn't get. It didn't get that you had to bring it up, and alchemize it, and transmute it. So it was like, half right. It left him stuck.

MARC: Outrage, we live in a world of outrageous pain. So, outrageous has rage in it, but it goes to love.

AUBREY: And that's the part that didn't ever--

MARC: Didn't get there.

AUBREY: Accomplish. So, during that period, he was only with my mom for three and a half years or something like that. She got pregnant early, they got married. But in that rage state, my mom and my dad were just fighting constantly. Now, I don't remember this because I was younger than two, and we had a house and caretakers, and so it's not like I remember my mom and my dad fighting or anything like that. It's not that scene that you might imagine. But they split when I was two and a half. And, as this interesting story weaves, that's also where I met my stepfather. And we don't need to go into that exact story. But I'd also known him from a really early age. So, I had two different patterns of father. 

One, my father was this intensely brilliant man who was a pioneer in futures trading and commodities trading. He is actually chapter one of Jack Schwager's book, "Market Wizards." He was the mentor for some of the greatest of all time, like Paul Tudor Jones, and some people who are like the biggest figures, in the founding kind of cohort commodities corporation. He was just able to recognize patterns and use his mind to solve problems that other people couldn't solve, and see complexities, and see the hidden thread. And he literally made his fortune from nothing. He started off futures trading, lost everything in his account, lost everything in his account, lost everything in his account. And, I'd have to go back in "Market Wizards" but I think the final account that made his millions, his fortune, started from like $800, or something like that. 

Futures trading allows you to leverage the money that you have. And if you get it right, you can really leverage and leverage and leverage. And futures is betting on the future price of commodities like gold or silver, or soybeans, or corn or pork bellies, or whatever. There's a whole bunch of commodities that are in the futures market. Chicago is the exchange where a lot of that happens. 

By the time I was born, he was in like, the full flower of his career. And it was a wild and crazy existence to be born into, because he had this amazing wealth that he had created really fast, and all of the paranoia that came from that wealth, and also the celebration and possibility. There's a lot of tangents in this, and so I'll just take it slow, and trust that I'm going there. 

MARC: We'll just... And we're telling the story, so where are we, friends? What's Aub doing? We're in the Shiva house with the family, that's where we are. It's just to locate ourselves. We're in this technology of Aub saying, "No, I'm not going to go right back to work. I'm not going to do the regular podcast, and I'm not going to get the burial kind of just happening. I'm actually going to stop, and I'm going to feel everything through." Now, I'm going to turn to the Father because this is this moment where I can both find my father who desperately needs me. Your father desperately needs you this week. And I can find the blessing of the Father and I can give the father the blessing of the son. 

AUBREY: Yeah.

MARC: And I just want to... Because y'all know Aubrey for years in a deep way. So, just notice something. And Aub, we've been talking about this, it's going to be a theme through. You're going to notice everybody, that there's a lot of Aub, Aubrey that of course comes from his dad. So, who else is betting on the future? Who else is doing futures trading here? Who else is creating something from nothing? In other words, you're actually going to hear, you're going to listen and say, "Oh. Oh, my God." But the son receives the father when he can step into dad's gifts, and yet he has to clarify them. He has to fix them. He has to actually break the pattern, receive the gifts, not reject the Father, and this is the art form. Not reject, but love the Father. Father's larger than life. We were at your father's house yesterday, and just, oh my God, this large, deep, wondrous figure and yet complex. King Lear, tragic, beautiful. 

And so, all of Aubrey's dad is in Aubrey. And yet, it doesn't go to a kind of therapeutic... It's the tragedy of our culture. Let's go to therapy, and kill the Father. No, it's let me go deep inside and journey and receive the Father's blessing, receive the blessing of the Father, and give the Father a blessing back. So, that's what you're doing. It's so big, brother. 

AUBREY: Yeah, and he deserves it. I mean, my dad deserves all of this. I have the best of him in me. Like, the very best of him lives in me. That's what my stepmom told me with tears when we met up on Saturday night. 

So, yeah, I mean, to go back to that story. One of the things that I learned early on is that all things are possible. I mean, my father made a huge fortune from $800, or something that. And it was like, all things are possible. And he instilled that in me, and that there was no limitations. I remember I was really young, and my father was building a new home on the land that he'd bought in Malibu. And he'd actually bought that land from Sylvester Stallone at the time, and it was this crazy thing because he'd come into this wealth that he'd earned. He asked me, I was maybe three or four. He was like, "What type of room do you want?" Because they were building a house, and I was like, "I want a room that's like a cave, dad. I want a cave room." And so, he got the best movie, special effects people. They built actually like a movie set cave, like we were in the labyrinth. And I placed crystals all on the walls, and I had a fucking cave room with a waterbed.

MARC: Oh my God. Oh, my God, cave room with a waterbed. That's how you turned out this way.

AUBREY: It was crazy. It was crazy. But it showed me, my dad was like, "Yeah, whatever. Whatever you want." And also--

MARC: That's the father.

AUBREY: That's the father. He is like, anything is possible. And also, the freedom by which he would just go like, yeah, sure anything is possible. And also the faith in... It was funny, he had his own paranoias about his personhood, and about people coming after him. But he also had this unshakable faith in himself. That no matter what happened to him, he could make his way out, because he made his way from nothing. And, that's something that's also kind of come through me, of course. 

A lot of people get the story of how I founded Onnit wrong. But Onnit was started after my father had suffered his mental illness. So, he never saw a moment of Onnit. He never put a dollar into Onnit. Of course, I would have loved to have my father invest in Onnit. And there's a whole story about that, how I kind of tried to get him to have faith in me before he kind of lost his mind. But let me tell the story before leading up to that where he lost his mind.

So, we pick up from Primal therapy, and he realizes that's not going to work. So, he gets hooked up with Stan Grof. And Stan Grof was doing of course, Holotropic breathwork. So, breathwork was something that I was familiar with from when I was a little kid. I didn't do it with my dad, but he talked about it.

MARC: Part of the air you breathe.

AUBREY: Yeah, and that (inhaling and exhaling) and the processing of emotions that way, which is a lot healthier than the primal therapy, because it allows you to actually alter your state of consciousness, and the air itself creating endogenous DMT release. etc. But Stan, of course wasn't only a proponent of breathwork, he was a proponent of psychedelic medicine therapy. 

MARC: Early on. 

AUBREY: So, he started working with Stan's kind of cohort of underground shamans that were working in association with his work, even though it was, of course outlawed by that point. Stan started his work early in the 60s, and acelin. And so, my father started with psychedelic medicine. And that's what really started to heal some of the deep wounds of rage. Now, it didn't heal it immediately enough that I didn't experience that rage, and have to really go through with... Actually, and this is the beautiful part. When I was 18, my father invited me to go sit with his shaman as an initiation after high school. And this is 24 years ago, I'm 42 now. To go sit with his shaman in New Mexico, because my father knew that he knew that he'd lost control sometimes, and flown into that rage. And so, in one of my sits, kind of the third session, we actually did a medicine called yopo, which is a snuff that contains DMT, and 5-MEo-DMT. 

We did this snuff, and I was able to reprocess one of the most traumatic moments of my father's rage, and actually step into that moment where I was cowering as a six-year-old just saying, "I love you, dad." And my dad had created a story in his mind that I didn't love him, or that I was somehow undermining him. He was always in this trap of like, stories about what might happen. And then then kind of the judgment and the penalty was his rage in that moment. and I was able to stand up there in this journey, in this medicine journey at 20 as a fully grown man, and say, like, "Not now, dad. Not now. You can't do that to me now, dad." I was able to reclaim my manhood through the technology of that psychedelic medicine, which was part of the technology that had helped to liberate him.

MARC: And that technology you received, and this is the wild thing, as part of the blessing of the Father. 

AUBREY: Amen. 

MARC: In other words, there's a tradition in shamanism, and in Hebrew wisdom, the Shaman can give the blessing. But the initiate has to receive it. So what you're doing now is and just notice what's happening now. So, Aubrey's dad is, and I'm just going to talk really straight here, is in the bardo. And we can actually feel it, he's in the place in between. And he needs us to help him cross over. And the way we help him cross over is, we turn to his power, and we receive his blessing. And by telling the story, we've been sitting in the Shiva house, and we're sitting in the Shiva house now. And by telling his story, and letting it impact all of us, and receiving the blessing, he's then active in the world. Death presses him into life again, and as Aubrey will tell, today, or tomorrow, the last 10, 12 years have been tragic. And he's been without power in some way. But now in this moment of death, he has power again, and you're actually receiving his blessing, letting it impact you again. And in that, he begins to become liberated. 

AUBREY: Yeah. For sure.

MARC: Telling the story.

AUBREY: And everything that transmits through me downstream--

MARC: Is his blessing going through you. And if you would block that, if you would murder the Father, because... An\d friends, Aub, we can all murder the Father. And everyone who's listening has their blessing of the Father story. Everyone who's listening, any place, we're all looking for the blessing of the Father. And there's so many ways we can close ourselves to the blessing of the Father, because the Father's always imperfect. And I want to say one more sentence. And again, we're going, friends, from the wide, from the lineage, from the creating something new to the most personal and intimate. So, I just want to throw something in the table, and then take the next step. 

So, you and I talked, I think it was late last night or the night before, the time's a little blurred now. We talked about this dude, Isaac, in the lineage who has a father who loves him madly, and wants to sacrifice him. And he's sure that's the voice of God. And Isaac somehow has to realize that his father's not hearing the God voice. His father's got to disambiguate and realize, but his father can't quite do it. In the end, his father is able to do it. 

AUBREY: And father is Abraham.

MARC: The father is Abraham. So, Abraham's got to realize Abraham's challenge is, the voices that he's hearing, are those God voices? Are those not God voices? And Abraham manages to do it in the last second and not slaughter Isaac, and not sacrifice his son. Sometimes, I just want to open our hearts here. Sometimes the father isn't able to clarify the voices, and he goes to sacrifice his son, and only his son can step in and stop the sacrifice, and show to his father, those voices are not God voices. And the son can't even do it on his father's life. But at the moment the father passes in the bardo, the son can turn to the father and say, "Dad, I'm here for you."

AUBREY: Yeah, I'm here for you, dad. And what Marc is alluding to is, so, after my father set me up in the psychedelic medicine journey, he actually stopped with the psychedelic medicine path, which was really stabilizing his consciousness. And one of the things that he was looking for, is technology evolved, and the game of futures trading evolved. It was in its infancy in the 70s, it was really coming online. The markets were being created, the options and futures markets were actually being built up. So, the smartest human, and the one with the most kind of nerve, and the one with the most commitment, and the one with the most diligence, he was tracking countless newspapers and news sources. He had televisions on all the time. So if we went to the bathroom, he could see what was happening. 

I remember, I was maybe five or six, and the Russians were moving tanks into one of their neighboring countries, which Russia is want to do, as we now see. But they were kind of rolling tanks into one of the stands, I think. I don't know, somewhere. And my father saw this at four in the morning, he calls up Chicago, and he's like, "You guys see what's happening?" And they're like, "No, what's happening?" He's like Russia is rolling tanks into wherever they are. And he's like, buy gold. So he bought gold futures at that point, because in any destabilizing moment in the world where it looks the world might be under attack in some way, because, again, World War Three was still a threat in the 80s. That was still, and maybe it's still a threat now, whatever. But ultimately, in that moment, people would go rush to buy gold, and my dad knew that. So, it was like, there was always information that he was always tracking. 

MARC: He's kind of like... Like a futures trader, it's like, in that moment in time before computers, he's like a prophet shaman. Holy, future, prophet, a magician. 

AUBREY: Yeah, it's getting all of the information in that he just happened to take a peek at four in the morning. And nobody else saw this in the futures markets here. And so, right now, the markets are 24/7. Nobody has any, and no human by the news is going to get advanced information that the markets don't have. But those were the type of edges that he had at that point. And eventually, he lost that edge, because technology had moved in and was superior. Deep blue is superior to the greatest chess master. Now, technology and the firms that can leverage that technology really can outperform any individual, for the most part. And so there's some individuals who can manage those tech plexes--

MARC: I just want to get this. Your father, just one sentence, lost his performative edge. 

AUBREY: He did. 

MARC: So the father in culture loses his role as provider, the father loses his role as warrior, because we're not fighting those wars. The father is looking for who the father is. So your father is looking for who the father is. 

AUBREY: He recognize that ayahuasca is not going to tell him what trades to make, and what the next best move is to regain his--

MARC: Right.

AUBREY: But he was desperately looking for an edge. And he turned to this book when I was probably 25. And this book was teaching people how to channel voices. And this was his ultimate undoing, because this book was promising that you could channel voices of the angels. We know that actually this phenomenon of channeling is not true. But it comes with a big caveat. And Paul Selig will talk about this caveat, and he explains it very clearly. Paul Selig is a channel that I've had on my podcast many times, beautiful man, and channels from the God voice. Unbelievable truth from the God voice. And he says, if the voice tells you anything that makes you afraid, or if a voice tells you anything that inflates your ego, it's the wrong voice.

MARC: And this is Abraham hearing God tell him to sacrifice his son. Abraham in the beginning of Genesis gets the voice wrong. So, you can be a great figure, and get the voice wrong.

AUBREY: But the meta construct of voices is real. 

MARC: Is real. 

AUBREY: There are voices, and sometimes they're the voices that you want to hear, and sometimes the voices that you don't. But my father was looking to hear voices that were going to tell him about what to do in the markets. But the voices don't act that way. I don't even think Paul Selig could ask Melchizedek, like, what should I do with gold futures now? What's October gold prices going to do? It breaks the rules of our dimension. They don't care. It's not available.

MARC: This was the pre-modern traditional father, who said I'm going to hijack the voice of the father for control, for domination. And actually, all the pre-modern religions went to try and hear their voices for the sake of domination and control.

AUBREY: Yeah, controlling the weather, even--

MARC: The father got corrupt. 

AUBREY: Even in Chavin, they would sacrifice humans at El Brujo. Chavin, one of the great medicine cultures of the world. But they got one voice wrong in which, well, presumably wrong, at least unethically so, where they would sacrifice people to control the weather, and give favorable weather and [inaudible 00:46:10]. So, the pagan concept of sacrifice, and all of these things is like, what voice are they listening to?

MARC: So, let's just stay with this for a second, because it's this most intimate, personal, your dad, and it's the father who went wrong. And we're working both in this moment in the Shiva house. So, go, brother.

AUBREY: Yeah. So ultimately, my father didn't have kind of an innate kind of very natural spiritual capacity. Despite his years of work with psychedelic medicine, he wasn't really good at it. He was good in his mind. And his mind was amazing. That was the best way to engage with my dad. And we'll probably talk about this story thread on another one. But to get to his aliveness, you had to either be in competition with him, which he loved. We would compete at Scrabble and Boggle and chess and basketball and tennis and ping pong and everything, volleyball, whatever. If he was engaged in his body, he would be present or competing, he would be present. There's ways to harness his mind into presence, but otherwise his mind was in this kind of flurry. 

So, part of the reason I had such a great relationship with my father is I loved finding and meeting him in his places of aliveness. But, spirituality was not a natural proclivity for him. That was something that was difficult because he was somewhat disconnected from his heart, and disconnected from his body. He had also a complicated relationship with his mother, my grandma Charlotte, which is different than my relationship with my mother and my grandmother, which was just all radical unconditional love. And, this is also another thread, which is a thread of what allows you to kind of navigate these waters is, the grounding in the solid loving arms of the feminine which I had, which my father didn't have. And so, that's also another thread. So, two threads to pick up on. Aliveness and the connection with the mother, but I want to follow this thread through. 

And basically, he started doing this channeling practice. And at first, it was like, alright, Dad, I'll do this with you, we'll go for it. I believed that this was possible. And I didn't know the risks. Again, I'm in my 20s. This is before I knew shit about shit. And we would do this all the time. He wanted to do this all the time. And we'd try to hear voices, we'd go through these kind of new-agey rituals to try and hear the voices. And I could sometimes see images, and I would translate those images, and those would be insightful. My dad really struggled, struggled. And then eventually, through sheer persistence, he started to hear voices. But I could tell early on that those voices weren't the right voices. And right now, it would be Paul Selig's dharma. If it's fear, or if it's inflation, it's the wrong voice. I didn't know that dharma then. So I was like, "I don't know, dad. This doesn't sound quite right." And that escalated and escalated as the voices kept telling him things that didn't happen, that weren't going to happen, that weren't coming true, leading him into more ruinous investment, leading him into strange kind of things. 

But, we didn't quite get it. I thought it was maybe a phase, and then it just continued to spiral. And eventually, I was like, "Dad, I don't think this is right. I know it doesn't feel right." And I used the same logic that he taught me, basically, to break down the false constructs of dogmatic religion and dogmatic philosophy and dogmatic politics, anything that was wrong. He built a logical mind that could break it down. And I started to use that to break down his own constructs that he was making, but he wasn't willing to hear it. He wasn't really willing to let that go. So, I made like an agreement with him. I was like, "Dad, I just don't want to talk to you about this stuff anymore. I can't do it. So, let's just play golf." And in hindsight, obviously, if I would have known, like, so many other big interventions I could have done. But again, I'm in my late 20s. I don't know, I don't have the context.

MARC: I mean, he's in this place. And I just want to be with your dad, brother. And the father. We keep moving back. So, the father gets lost. Because the father wants to be powerful. The father wants to take care of the son, and the father wants to be the man. And the father then goes to hijack prayer, that book that your dad found was about prayer. And it's why prayer got rejected. When we reclaim the father, we're going to have to reclaim prayer. But prayer got rejected, because prayer got used as a kind of cosmic vending machine, as a tool of power. So, Abraham gets the voice wrong. The father gets the voice wrong. But the voices are real. And so, to reclaim the father, we need to actually feel the pain of your dad and the pain of the father, who wants to contribute, who wants to be powerful, and who can't find a self underneath the performance. 

So, dad, he's the ultimate performer, and he's real, and he's deep. I've been hearing incredibly beautiful stories about your dad for two, three days, and I can feel him, and he laughs, and when he laughs, it's this... And yet he has to perform. And he can't find who he is underneath the performance. And when the father can't find who he is underneath the performance, so something, the glint goes out of the father's eye. And then the son has to go find the father, personally, here in this Shiva, and in culture. We're going to turn back to Aubrey. We're moving towards the... But just, all of us have a father here. And culture has a father, and just think about your father. And think about the father. And think about, what does it mean to step in to be a shaman, whether you're a daughter or a son, to know how to liberate the father. 

And you liberate the father by being able to receive the blessing of the father. And that's what you're modeling for us right now. What does it mean to liberate the father by receiving the blessing of the father, and giving blessing? And he needs you now. 

AUBREY: Yeah, he does. 

MARC: He needs you now.

AUBREY: So, we're in this place where it starts to slide, and I have this really inspired moment. I'm going to tell this story, because it's a very important story. And it's the story of the fourth six. I understand Fit For Service family, we had you guys booked for an hour. Obviously, this is unprecedented circumstances. I'd love for you guys to stay with us and just be here if you can, and if not, totally understand, and mad blessings. Thank you for being here, and I look forward to hearing from those of you who stick around and want to ask questions.

So, I'm going to tell the story of the fourth six, because as my dad was in this difficult place where he was looking for something that could turn around his performative edge, we were in Vegas together. We were playing like a no-limit Hold 'Em-esque type of table game where, there was two cards overturned, the dealer had five cards, you had five cards. And the rules of the game were that you would only win your full bet if you beat the dealer with a pair or better, and the dealer had at least ace king, and then you'd win your full bet. So the dealer had to do what's called qualify, which means they have to have an ace king for you to win your bet. Otherwise, no matter what you have, you can have a royal straight flush, it doesn't matter. You won't win the bet. There was a bonus little jackpot thing, but that's not important. So basically, like, unless the dealer qualified, and you had a good hand, then you'd win. Now, if you had a royal straight flush, you'd make a couple of hundred thousand dollars or something that. Crazy amount of money. But that's really hard to get in a five-card poker situation. It's like, virtually impossible. And in every escalating hand in poker, you'd get more and more money. 

So it wasn't the stakes really mattered. But we were playing this game and my father gets three sixes in a hand. And we're sitting next to each other. And so he kind of shows me. You're not supposed to, you're not supposed to see the partner's hand, but we would always look at each other's shit. And they didn't care in the casino. We weren't betting heavy, whatever. So, we're just doing it as a father and son thing. We're in Vegas together, let's sit down at the tables. And I'm in my mid-20s. He gets three sixes. The dealer doesn't qualify, dad makes no money. He gets three sixes again, and he looks at me like, can you fucking believe this? Tthree sixes again. 666. Obviously we know the historical symbolism of 666 is hell, it's the devil. So he gets 666 again. The dealer doesn't qualify, dad makes no money. 

Now, three of a kind is a good hand. He would have made five times his money, eight times the money. I don't know what the stakes were at the table, but you make a lot if you have three of a kind, and the dealer qualifies. But the dealer didn't qualify in either of those hands. So he had two good hands. But it was 666, he made no money. Within a 10-minute span, he gets a hand, and it's four sixes. He gets four sixes. And the dealer qualifies, and my dad makes for what we were playing with, a small fortune at the table, relative to what the stakes were. 50X his money or whatever that was.

MARC: It symbolizes possibility.

AUBREY: Symbolizes possibility. And in his mind, it became this deep part of his mythology, that the fourth sixth was going to come and liberate him from his hell. And so, he was always looking for the fourth sixth to turn the three sixes which symbolized hell into four sixes, which symbolizes the redemption--

MARC: Possibility, redemption, liberation. 

AUBREY: And possibility. And as my father was slipping and looking for the fourth six in all of these different places, which weren't the right places, I had this incredibly inspired moment. And I've only had that happen in my youth, and I say my youth, anything under 30 is my youth. I only had these moments a few times. And this is one of the strongest moments where I just looked at my dad in the kitchen, and I said, "Dad, I don't know how to explain this to you. But I'm the fourth six, dad." I just said, dad, like, just bet on me, like I got this. I got this. I promise you. Like, I got this. And I didn't have Onnit then. It didn't make any sense. Like, how could I be the fourth six? But I knew it. I just fucking knew it. I came to my dad, and I got a dice, one dice from a drawer. And I rolled the dice. First I said, "Dad, I promise you, I'm the fourth six, and here's how I'm going to show you. I'm going to take this dice, I'm going to roll it and it's going to be a six." And I just knew it was going to be six. I knew it. I knew it. And I rolled it and it was a six. 

My dad just, he couldn't receive that at that point. He couldn't feel me, he couldn't feel the truth of that voice that was moving through me. And so, he carried on with his way. And it ultimately, at this very pivotal point where I was doing ayahuasca for the first real time with Maestro Orlando, 30 years old, it was the point where I changed my name from Chris to Aubrey, because the experience was so profound. This is right before Joe Rogan 127. This is the moment where I'm there, and have this unbelievable revelation. I changed my name. Onnit is about to launch Alpha Brain. There's all of these things--

MARC: It's all happening. 

AUBREY: It's all happening right there. He snaps, and I get a call. I'm in the Sacred Valley. And just kind of integrating from my sits down in the jungle at the Madre de Dios River, and I'm in Sacred Valley. My stepmom calls me, and says dad's really, he's really out of control, and we're scared. We being my little brother Will, who's 15 years younger than me, and my stepmom who lived with my dad still. And they kind of shielded me from some of the worst of the crazy that was kind of happening at that point, the worst of the voices. But I knew enough and I was like, "Alright, I'm flying right home." And that's the story that I told in the "Awaken The Darkness" documentary. I told that to Fit For Service in Sedona two years ago. And it's a really challenging and powerful story of me confronting my father for the sake of my family, and then having the police come in ultimately. And I don't want to retell that story again at this point, but ultimately, the police came and took him into a mental institution for the first time at that point. They had to come do that again a second time. 

But, my father, basically, he got clever enough on how to get out. After the first time, he kind of got out and we thought, maybe he would be okay. He was on some medication. And everybody was really tenuous, and thought the medication might be able to kind of help them through. Then he snapped again, got taken in again. And at that point, my stepmom and my little brother moved out of the house because they were scared. And it was really scary behavior, like delusions of grandeur, and kind of crazy. Really the voices were just pure demiurge. Really, really scary voices that were coming through. And sometimes still intermixed with beautiful voices. Sometimes there was still the beauty that was in there, but scary enough where they moved out. And by the time he got released, and this was all in a couple of months, six weeks maybe, he had basically barricaded himself in his house, and that's where he stayed barricaded, taking care of his basic needs barely. But nobody could come help him at that point. 

And I tried to come once and he thought I was an imposter and threatened to attack me, and would just shoo everybody away. It was scary. We didn't know... Even though my father was such a gentle, beautiful, integris man, at this point, it wasn't my father anymore. So, it was scary. But nonetheless, my Uncle Dave sat vigils out by his house, and we kept writing him letters and kept trying, and I saw him on the side of the street when he was walking. And I said, "Dad, I love you," and he just couldn't see me. And it was like, when I would see my dad in that state, it was like, chilling. It was seeing a ghost. But we kept sending letters, and trying to reach through. But gradually, over 12 years, kind of lost... We were in a bardo in a way. We didn't know... We couldn't fully grieve him, although we had to go through our grieving process. I mean, there's a million stories I could tell about the journeys that I'd had in experiencing my father at that time.

MARC: And we'll come to those.

AUBREY: We'll come to those. Ultimately, just to finally wrap this up, that whole chapter. And I had this idea, the last thing I'll share is, I had this idea that it was my task to rescue the lost father. I watched the movie "Ad Astra" with Brad Pitt and Tommy Lee Jones, and he goes to this distant planet to try and rescue the lost father who'd gone mad. And I had this feeling that was my task. And, I wasn't able to do that when he was alive. I wasn't able to... But when we went into his house, we went into his house yesterday. We went in and where he died, he died reclining back on his office chair desk, and right on his keyboard, was a playing card, and the playing card was a six. My brother Max was there. And he, by grace was like, had his camera rolling. And there's that moment where I see where my father died on the keyboard. So, it must have been, the only thing he would do in the desk is use his computer. So the last act that he did before he died was to put a six on the keyboard. And I could tell at that moment, it was saying to me, like, son, you're the fourth six. And I need your help, come help me, come save me. 

MARC: Oh, my God. 

AUBREY: And it was the craziest moment of communication. One of the miracles of this time is at that moment, it was like, I see you, I see you, and come find me. And that's what we're doing.

MARC: Oh my God, right? We're... Oh my God. Oh, my God. Where are we now, friends? Like, where are we? We're not in a podcast. We're in the Shiva house. And Aubrey is telling the story. That's where we are. And we're crying, and we're laughing, and it's impossible. So Aubrey, sweet friend, brother, Holy of Holies, all of it. So, you turn to your dad, and I'm going back in the story, and you say, I'm the fourth six. 

AUBREY: Yeah. 

MARC: And he can't see you. The way we give your father energy is the more his story goes and the more we can feel his story, as all of our stories, and the more it becomes the story of culture and then the power of his story reweaves the whole thing. So now he's in his full power again. So, actually this week as you tell the story, that becomes fuel. Right and your tears become water and his house was filled with water. There was bottles and bottles of water. So, the son looks at the father, and the son looks at the father and says, "See me." And the son is systematically misrecognized by the father. On the one hand, the father totally sees you, and he's delighted by the son. On the other hand, he can't quite see, I'm the fourth six. So, just be with me for a second, brother, in the Shiva house and we're sitting close to the floor, and we're in the Shiva. We're not on a podcast, and we're not in kind of... There's no Dr. Gafni, and there's no world philosopher, there's no Aubrey Marcus, there's just Marc and Aubrey, rabbi and the son, we're sitting on the floor. I want to just, tenderly in the Shiva house, just whisper something. 

So, God's the Father in heaven. We don't know how to hold God as the father in heaven, because the father in Heaven got hijacked. And then humanity starts to emerge in the Renaissance, and humanity says to God, I could be the fourth six, I could partner with you. We could have a new world, which the father in heaven and the son come together, and Christianity kind of looks for it. It says, okay, there's the father, and here's the son. But the son is only one man. And nobody else is the son. But here's the story where we're saying, we can actually be a new human and a new humanity. We can be part of you, God. And you can see us and we need you to look at us. And we need the grace of your divine gaze, so that you can see that we're the fourth six, we're your partner. And right now, your dad's looking at you, and he left you a sign. 

AUBREY: I know.

MARC: He left you a sign, he left you a letter. He said, you're going to walk into my house. He knew you were going to walk into his house. And we could see in the house that he was... And he leaves a letter and he says, Aub, I couldn't see that you were the fourth six back then, but now I know that you are. Right? Oh my God. Only you can free me. And maybe, brother, we can't even say this out loud. But like, in the great lineage that you and I have been so deeply in the last year and a half, God turns to the human being and says, "Save me, liberate me. See me, and I'll see you." And that's the beginning of this new relationship to the Father. We receive the blessing of the father, and yet we participate as the son, and the father and the son come together, and the daughter and the son come together. But all of this is just words until we live it in the stories of our lives. And this week you're living it in the story of your life.

AUBREY: And one of the incredible things about this is like, we're not just doing this because we say we're going to do this, and we do these hollow empty rituals where we go into the bardo. I'm going into medicine, you're sitting over there over my shoulder for real, and I'm finding my father, and I can find him. In the first journey we did on the first day of the Shiva house--

MARC: Oh my God, we felt him.

AUBREY: We found him. And I saw the father that had kind of gotten lost. And I saw it with black spirals, big swirls in his eyes. And I said, okay, I found him, I found him. Now I'm deep in the medicine, and you're right there with me. Vylana is right there with me. Alana is there with me, KK is there with me. But this is about me finding the father. And I found that part, and I was like, okay, I need to go deeper and find the true spark of my dad, the real essence of my dad.

The self is complex. It has the separate self, it has a true self, it has a unique self. It has all of these different elements. And so, I found this fractured, splintered part of the separate self that was confused and lost. And I said, no, I can move deeper and find--

MARC: That's not dad. 

AUBREY: Tat's not dad, no.

MARC: That's not dad. And that's not God. 

AUBREY: Yeah, no. And Paul Selig actually described that as an entity. That's an entity in and of itself. Or you could just say it's a fractured part of a single entity. It's all the same way to put it. if you take a piece of a cookie and move it to another side, is it a new cookie? Or is it a piece? It depends on your perspective, right? Or Pie or whatever. And ultimately, we went deeper, and we found him. And it was funny, because the first thing he did when I introduced him to you is he said, "I thought I did my best to make sure you'd never be sitting with a rabbi." 

MARC: "And there's a rabbi." 

AUBREY: "There's a rabbi right next to you," and he started laughing. And then, what's funny is, my father, as I said was so competitive. So, to make my father comfortable with the fact that I was sitting with a rabbi, said, "Dad, don't worry, he's our people." And I flashed to a moment that we shared in Sedona, where you and my brother Aaron got into this crazy wine-drinking contest where you guys were were needling each other, and then ended up drinking three bottles of wine.

MARC: It was pouring. And, Aaron, you lost, brother. I'm just saying.

AUBREY: Aaron's going to highly debate that.

MARC: He might. And he's got some evidence on his side. 

AUBREY: Both lost. But I was like, "Dad, these are our people. Look at this craziness." It was this moment where dad laughed, and he got it. And we were able to like, find him and talk to him.

MARC: And then we went into your house, brother. And your dad had just bought a Hanukkah Menorah. 

AUBREY: Yeah. He didn't even take the tag off it.

MARC: And they had an old menorah. But here's the craziest thing, is we went into Aubrey's house, and Aubrey's dad, your dad has this-- 

AUBREY: And he would never celebrate Hanukkah with me, by the way. Never. Only when my grandma was in town, we would do that day of Hanukkah. So we'd kind of fix the candles in the right way.

MARC: He knows there's something about the lineage. But then it gets, I mean... Aub, permission because this is yours to say this out loud. On the central table, there's this huge [inaudible 01:11:27] stunning book, which is open to the Kabbalistic, meaning in the lineage, Tree of Life, which Aubrey and I had just finished diving deep into like four weeks ago. And it's open to the Tree of Life, meaning he's in the lineage. So, Aubrey walks into the house. And his dad says, actually, I'm connected to the lineage. I'm so happy you're there, and you're the fourth six. 

AUBREY: Yeah. 

MARC: And maybe you'll finish before we go to questions, but just to feel this for a second. Nikos Kazantzakis, brother, writes, we're the saviors of God. So, we participate somehow, it's an unimaginable sentence, in the evolution of the father, our Father in heaven, God's our father. But God needs us to evolve God. The Father needs us to receive the blessing of the Father, and to evolve the Father. And so, in this moment, in the house of mourning, because we have to... Nietzsche says, God is dead, the death of the Father. And of course, God writes him a little note when Nietzsche dies. "Nietzsche is dead," God. So, there's that. But there's this moment in which only in the death of the father, and the father then waits for us. And your father, your father's waiting for you to liberate him and we're going in together. But at the same time, we refuse to go only personal. This is not just Aubrey's story. It's not just a psycho spiritual story of one human being, is to actually be a master is that in my story, is the whole story. So, we're masters together.

AUBREY: The incredulity of every different synchronicity is, we've shared some of them, it's just undeniable. At a certain point, all of the miracles that had to have happened exactly the right way for this to, and all of the different clues that were left, even--

MARC: Utterly impossible for it not to be real. 

AUBREY: The only dice, we looked in every drawer in the house when we went in, we found one die. And it was a six. And it may very well have been the die that I rolled, I don't know. I mean, who knows. But it was one die, it was in a drawer with two candles. And it had a six. And, so many different little symbols, just in case the card didn't, here's the one dice that we found that was up at six. And so many different things that have brought us to this. And it's the wildest story I've ever been a part of. It's a story filled with the most grace, and it's my honor, and also my responsibility as his firstborn son, to really carry this, and to try and complete this process. And that's what we're going to be doing using every piece of knowledge, lineage, psychonautic technology that we can to do the tikkun. Do the fixing.

MARC: Do the fixing. And this is what the son does. And so, I think we're about to turn to questions, but just to... We're all the son. Aubrey's the mourner, sitting on the floor now, we're in the Shiva house. God is the Father. And Michael Phillip Marcus is the father. And we all have a father. And the teacher is the Father. We've moved to kill the father, we've erased the father, we've identified the father with patriarchy,we've identified the father with the abusive father. There's another way to go. And it's actually to know the father is complex and beautiful, and the father desperately wants to give blessing. And we have to actually step in, and be so powerful as the son, we can receive the blessing of the father. And we can do it most intimately and personally, because we yearn for the blessing of the father. But we can also do it as warriors in culture, we're in this new renaissance, we're in this time between worlds and time between stories, where we desperately need to reclaim the father. 

And so we're doing it all this week. We're doing it all this week. And we're doing it together. And we're doing it as, and maybe Aub, this is the last sentence. There's a distinction that you and I have talked about a lot between an evolutionary family and a biological family. In a biological family, the father is always the father. In an evolutionary family, we all get to be the father, we all get to be the son. We're all playing these different roles for each other. So blessings to the father. Blessings to the son. Thank you, love. Thank you for being courageous as a mourner. You could have just gone personal and private. And there's a great, almost holy temptation to do that. And there's lots of voices, "Let me just step away." Or you could have skipped it. All week, we had podcasts. We cancelled everything. And we said no to Empire, and said, Okay, we're going to sit on the floor. And we're going to do this. And we're not going to bypass this. And we're going to do it not just for Aubrey, although it's completely personal and intimate. We're going to do it for the sake of the evolution of love, for the sake of the evolution of the father, for the sake of the evolution of God the Father.

AUBREY: Yeah, it's what he would have wanted.

MARC: It's what he would have wanted. 

AUBREY: It's what he wants. 

MARC: It's what he wants. And I mean, I can't say the sense but I know that you feel it. I know that you do. He just, he's beginning to get... It's freeing up. For the last hour. You can feel it loosening. 

AUBREY: This is part of it. I've always said that the real alchemy comes when you go into your own darkness. And for me, I'm using the second person but it's me personal. Whenever I've gone into the darkness, the alchemy is when I share it. And that's the liberation for me. The liberation is when all of the pain and everything that I've gone through is then the catalyst for greater transformation. Not just for me, but for the whole. That's why I've always shared everything that's happened from... People got sick of me sharing about my continuous polyamory woes and broken hearts, and they're like, stop fucking talking about it. Some people were into it. But it's just my way. It's the only way I know how to actually make sense of the pain.

MARC: And here's the crazy thing. You and I have talked about unique self. This is your sacred autobiography. But when I can live my sacred autobiography out loud, and that's our job to do. And this week is, we're not talking about my sacred autobiography this week. You're the mortar, I'm the rabbi this week. But your sacred autobiography, to be a leader is to actually be willing to realize that my story is bigger than me, and to be willing to share my story, and to be willing to be that vulnerable to know that I cannot get lost in pathology. I mean, the frame that we've been talking about is mythologize, don't pathologize. 

AUBREY: Yeah, people are like, "What did he have? And was it schizophrenia?" I was like, yeah, but it was not that, it was more complex than that. It was unique to him. 

MARC: Completely unique, so it's not--

AUBREY: So yes, it was schizophrenia, if you want to call it that. But no, it wasn't. It was my father's lost King Lear dark path.

MARC: Right. Does everyone hear what Aub just said? So important. It was so easy to pathologize, but actually mythologize. Don't pathologize. There's this great story and we just lose access to it when we pathologize it. So, this is this great mythology. I love you mad, brother. Thank you. 

AUBREY: Yeah, I love you madly as well. 

All right, well, this is day one. We're going to do more of these. There's more uncovers, and there's so much more to share. There's threads to go back to. And we may get to some of them in these questions. So yeah, we're going to get a little support from Claire, I think, to help just select and invite people who want to ask a question. And again, there's nothing here that's off limits. If for whatever reason something doesn't feel comfortable, I won't share it. So, don't worry. And yeah, just, whatever is arising from you, and whatever you want to ask about. Again, be mindful of spending time sharing your own story of your own father at this point. And that's just a request, normally, and I definitely want to do this with you guys, like go into all of your father's stories and do the tikkun.

MARC: And maybe write. Anyone who could write, could write up something about a father. 

AUBREY: Sure, sure. And we can do all that, but part of the Shiva house is to not conflate one mourning story with many other mourning stories.

MARC: The key to the Shiva house is we focus on the mourner who's sitting on the floor. And we let that inspire us. We write in our journals, we go through our own process of fixing, but we stay focused on the one story because that's this week. That's what's happening. And that's what we need now.

AUBREY: Yeah. So, that's my only humble request. And, ultimately, so anybody who has something to ask, for, Marc and I, let's do it. And thanks for sticking around again. I know this is, what day is it? Tuesday? So, I understand, but I deeply appreciate everybody who stuck around for this. And yeah, I want to hear from you guys. So, Claire, if you want to help support? 

CLAIRE: First, I have a question from Chris Taylor.

CHRIS: I'll do my best here. I lost my dad when we were in Austin at the summit. It was on the second day during the Kristina and Stefanos... The workshop that we were doing. So, this all seems very potent. So, I guess... I had a really good release that day in that event. And I find that for me, sometimes, just the emotions aren't just right there, and I need some sort of catalysts. So when they played that song during the journaling exercise, it just sent me fully into, like, not so much grieving the loss of my dad, because at that moment, it was within like 20 minutes of him actually passing. So I feel like I felt into it a little bit before I even knew what... It was grieving like the unsung songs of this big spirit coming into the world, and seeing so much unfulfilled, so many dreams and goals and things that... And he showed up and took care of his family and raised three kids. So, there was that level of it. 

And then it's been, I don't know, a month of just taking care of business, doing things, feeling, saying all the words. Yeah, I feel good. There's no regrets the way it was handled. I'm happy with all the decisions that were made. And he was ready. And then we're at a family event this weekend, yesterday in the car, and I just fucking lost it. And it's just like really letting the loss hit me. And it's just the feeling of, I just want mom. I just wanted my mommy, and I fucking lost my shit. And now, it's just hitting me this wave. Like, dad's not here.

AUBREY: Yeah. 

MARC: Yeah.

AUBREY: We're with you, brother. We're with you.

CHRIS: Yeah, the question is just like, I don't know. There's a part of me, it's like, am I doing it wrong? Am I grieving the right way? How much am I supposed to... Where's the line between just really dropping in and letting myself feel that and when to call for community and when to call for help?

AUBREY: Yeah, let me allow my, and I'm sure there's deep wisdom coming from my brother Marc here. But let me just feel into where I can find that place in you, in me. When I heard my father passed, the first thing that was there was just shock and numbness. And all I could do was just hear my stepmom and say, "I'm coming. I'm coming over. I'll be there as soon as I can." And thinking about my little brother, thinking about my stepmom, thinking about what needed to be done. The police were outside his house and taking care of the body. And I knew it came upon me to handle this. So, it was about very much like, I need to handle this. And I think for me, when I first allowed myself to cry, it was actually when you came downstairs and gave me a hug. It was that feeling of the masculine. And I lost it then. 

And then I was like, "I've got to go." And everybody was like, "Are you sure you're okay?" And it was like, yes, I trust the king in me will hold the kingdom, and I've been through tragedy in my life, in this life and in other lives, many other lives. I think I even said like, I've lived this. I've lived this, and I'll be okay, I'm fine to drive. So there and I was very calm and very steady. And I supported my stepmom and I handled things and I brought all of my shamanic tools and my power. I was ready. And I actually even tried to go in the house, which somehow locked itself for me, which I'm so grateful that it did. 

MARC: Oh, my God. Another miracle. 

AUBREY: Another miracle honestly, because the cops walked out of the front door, didn't lock it and said, there's two doors unlocked, and it was locked. And ultimately, that was a miracle. Because I would not have been able to hold that going in alone. And, ultimately, I didn't go in. And then through the week, there's periods where it's just wild, uncontrolled grief, as you've maybe seen on this call. And then wild celebration and laughter. One of the things that I can feel is like, did I do it wrong? 

And this is the false father. This is the voice of the false father that says you can do it wrong, or you can do it right. It's the judge that says, you can be wrong, you can be right. And yes, obviously there's ways to navigate the story that might be more beautiful, weave a more beautiful tale. But this idea that there's a wrong way and a right way, is a part of the Empire father. It's a part of the judge father. It's a part of the father that tormented my father, the not real father, the father that was the source of the voices. And so, finding yourself the true father which just loves you with no record of wrong, it's beyond forgiveness, doesn't even see the sin. That's what Christianity gets wrong. It's like, you will be forgiven by the Father for your sins. And when I've connected to the real spirit of Yeshua, it's not I will forgive you for your sins, it's like, what sin? I didn't see it. I don't even record it. It's just love all the way. 

And so, what I can offer you, and again, I had my own challenges. Like, should I have gone and tried to rescue the father in the physical? And yes, I was scared that he maybe had a gun. And yes, he said he was armed. And yes, there was all kinds of things, but I trust also, could have trusted that he wouldn't have ever done that, even though he might have said that. So, I had this deep guilt for not doing it. And that was hard, it was hard to deal with that guilt of not trying to rescue the father in the personal, in the flesh. And then ultimately, the release of that is just trusting that now in this perfect way, that it's all unraveling. And choosing to see it as a perfect way. Not getting stuck in the story of guilt and blame and shame for myself of what I could have done different. And, maybe I could have done something different but I didn't. So clearly I couldn't have done anything different. 

And it's finding the true father that just says this is all perfect, that God circled this place in this moment on a map for me. And I can offer that same thing to you, Chris. And interestingly, your name being Chris, that was the son that my father knew. Another wink from the intimate universe. This is the first person asking a question. But it's to just trust that the true Father and your father as he participates in the true Father will not see anything that you've done with any blame or any judgment. He will see the beauty of your own unique path as you figure this out, and go through your own tikkun, your own fixing, your own grieving, your own mourning. And we need to build this lost technology of how to reconnect to the Father together.

MARC: Yeah, Aub, I mean, that's so beautiful. And every word is just, is holy magic. And we're speaking in one voice here. So Chris, with permission, you and I don't know each other. So I just ask your permission to step in, and thank you. So, this is like, it's so deep. It's like the inside of the inside of the deepest of the deep. So, just to offer two such gentle things, but there's so... Our tears, like your holy tears, my tears, Aubrey's holy tears today. Our tears open the gates. When all the gates are closed, the gates tears are never closed. The art form of this new world religion as a context for our diversity, the art form that this new world we're trying to create, is that I don't get lost in my tears. They don't remain only my tears. My tears are the tears of the whole, and my transformation becomes the transformation of the whole. And this is so critical. 

Therapy is so important. It's such a holy contribution, the therapeutic. But we don't want to get lost in the therapeutic. We don't want to get lost in my story. And it's, I use my story, I live in my story, I engage my story, I heal my trauma, I'm trauma informed. All yes. But it's part of this larger tapestry, that my story is chapter and verse in the universal love story. And Chris's work of transformation, transforms the whole. And Aubrey, it's what you're modeling now. What Aubrey is modeling now, is in a moment where he could go just inside. He's saying, well, actually, what it means to be a warrior now is to be vulnerable and open and broken open, and to share and... And my transformation is the transformation of the whole. And so that just one. And so big. 

And just the second thing. Aubrey, it's so exactly right what you just said. There's the false father, and there's the real father. And maybe we'll talk about this later. But remember that movie, we talked about it, maybe one of the last 50 hours that blur into each other, "The Dead Poets Society" Robin Williams. And there's this headmaster at the beginning. And this is the father in modernity. We've killed the father of pre-modernity of the traditional world who's gotten hijacked by ethnocentric religion. And now we've got the father's success, achieve, look a certain way. And the headmaster says to all the boys, "We expect great things from you." Great things mean for him, denial of yourself, denial of your unique path. It means you're going to fit into the win lose metrics of rivalrous conflict and Empire and achieve. And along comes Robin Williams, who's the true father. And he said, no, no, there's a Dead Poets Society, there's a deeper way to be a man.

And Aubrey, Aubrey told us the story of his father, and we'll hear more about it. So filled with grandeur and greatness. And yet, with tender permission, my brother, and then all of a sudden he couldn't perform the way he wanted to perform. And he was moving for culture to try and find himself underneath it. And only you can find him in that. Only you can give him the gift and say, actually, you're my hero." And you're my hero even when you're not blowing the fuck out of the world in commodities training. You're my hero, because you're my hero. And he can hear that now, when he hears that, "Oh, my God, I'm actually Aubrey's hero." And he's receiving the blessing of the Father. Even though computers overtook futures trading, the whole father is healed. Fuck.

AUBREY: Amen. 

MARC: Amen.

AUBREY: And the last thing I'll offer is, to not get lost in what Charles Eisenstein calls, the myth of scale. And that's to think that, oh, well, Aubrey can do it, because he's got this big platform and a podcast, so he can actually perform the tikkun for the whole. It doesn't matter if it's just you doing this for the collective unconscious of the world. Like, the recordings that go and echo through the [inaudible 01:33:05] into the cosmos--

MARC: You do this sitting in your house by herself at home, it impacts all of cosmos. All of cosmos.

AUBREY: Exactly, and a couple of friends, and obviously, you're on this call. So again, like, acknowledgement of your own courage to come and share this, and to not think that I am able to do something that you aren't. And that's another way that Empire comes in and tries to place its win lose metrics on this very sacred process. So, just wanted to touch on that so that anybody who's feeling this knows that your contribution matters just as much as my contribution. And it's a paradox because scale is real, and scale is not real. And you have to see both of them because to God, scale is, there's different ways to look at it.

MARC: That is gorgeous, beyond gorgeous. And Robin Williams says, Aub, he says to the boys, he says, you're here, he quotes Whitman, to contribute a verse. And we call that the democratization of greatness, the democratization of enlightenment. Literally, this is this new world religion. No one's left out. You sit in your room, and if you actually go through a transformation, and you intend that transformation for the sake of the whole, you have blown it the fuck open, for the sake of the whole. 

AUBREY: That's right. 

MARC: I mean, that's so important to say. Amen. 

AUBREY: Amen. All right. Who's next, Claire? 

CLAIRE: I have Lyric next.

LYRIC: Thanks, Claire. And thank you, Marc and Aubrey for holding this space. It feels very, very sacred. My question is around predestination. I lost my dad around eight years ago, he fell over backwards, and hit his head. So, it was very sudden. And the night that he passed, I was at dinner with friends, and I kept spacing out. I had a friend look over and she said, "Are you okay?" And I was like, "I don't know, something feels really off to me." And I couldn't sleep that night, and I woke up to a text from my brother saying that he had passed. And then one other example is a year later, I turned to my partner one day and I said, "We need to go visit your grandma." And we gathered his family and went over there, and she passed that night. And so, my question is, if you have any beliefs around predestination, specifically with death. Or if you'd explain this sort of gnosis in another way?

AUBREY: Well, I think that predestination is a peculiar word to describe the phenomenon that you're describing, which to me is just the truth. The truth, the cosmological, phenomenological truth of our connection to the field. So, predestination means that there is no choice usually, in how that word is used. And maybe in your own mind, it's used in a different way. But to me, that means that there isn't choice, and this is post modernity, in a way, going to a regressive fundamentalism. Maybe you can locate this better where this predestination kind of concept comes from. But fundamentally, this is easily explained to me in the truth of our connection to the field. It's the same reason that... I just had Dean Raiden on the podcast, and he showed scientific evidence, some would call it proof of our connection to the field in a variety of different ways. 

And this is something that modernity actually destroyed was, if you cannot quantify it, measure it, calculate it, it's not real. And so, all of these things that are not proven by science, even though Dean Raiden has actually shown, many scientific studies has shown that the field exists, this morphogenic resonance field that Rupert Sheldrake talks about is real. It's real, it's fucking real, I don't care, it's just fucking real. And so, what you felt was real. It was real, and you knew. And that's a part of our understanding, and reunderstanding the cosmos and actually transcending the aspect of spirit, which is Father, spirit too. Spirit that was killed by modernity. And this is now a reclamation of like, of course, that was real, and you felt it.

And so, to me, it doesn't really apply to the concept of predestination. It just applies to establishing like, of course, it's real, and those messages and what you feel. It was not a coincidence, it was not an outlier that can be explained in some other way. It was a gnosis because you're connected to the field.

MARC: Yeah, beautiful, Aub. Beautiful, and thank you. Let's just feel into this for a second. We use the word, like Aubrey said really beautifully, predestination, because we feel that there's some larger play, that there's a pattern. There's this larger story happening. And that's actually true. That's the truth, it's not quite predestination. It's exactly as Aubrey said, it's that there's a field, and there's a pattern, and there's a story. And there's something larger trying to happen. And at the same time in that, we have a thousand choices. And to live in the paradox of that. 

So, on the one hand, could that have been your father's time? Sometimes when you come back from a near-death experience, we have all these records in which people meet beings and they say, "This is not your time, you have to come back." So, that's the sense of that there's this larger pattern in the plotline of the story. It's not yet time, and sometimes in the plotline of the story it is time. So, Aubrey's dad passes on Saturday night when we both land here. The night of impossible, And so there's an enormous joy, as brother Aub said so beautifully to know that my story is already recorded in the field. The tragedy of post modernity is, is that there's no mother and there's no father, there's no story recording the field. There's no grand story. The only grand story that post modernity tells us is that there's no grand story. And when you locate that your story is part of the field, that my story is chapter and verse in the universal love story. And within that I have radical freedom and constraint. There's a plotline, and holding those together is part of the new world religion. It's part of this new understanding, I can hold both. So, could Aubrey have prevented? No, no. No. And, did it have to be lived this way? Yes. And, is he now making powerful choices? Yes. And are you making powerful choices? Yes.

AUBREY: I mean, I think, to me, choice and agency is part of what makes... We've talked about how story is the first principle.

MARC: We've got to do a podcast on this one. It's a big one. 

AUBREY: But just to say it very simply, like, we have to be able to hold paradox to understand this, and understand that choice is all the way up and all the way down the universal love story. Because choice is necessary for it to be a story, and to actually live a story. And there's this greater sense of a larger pattern, and that that's at play. So, it's both. so there's choices that are made, there's options, and every story... Like what Paul Selig told me was, I was worried, I was really consistently worried that I was going to make the wrong choice. And I saw myself down a river. I was going to take a wrong turn on a forking river, and I was going to wind up in a swamp somewhere. And that's where I would be, and I would never fulfill my destiny. And the way he described it, he was like, all rivers lead to the sea. And you're going to decide which river you take exactly through your own choice. But don't worry, all rivers through the infinity of time and lifetimes that you live, and every lesson that you'll learn, all rivers lead to the sea. And so, we have both choice and this story in which everything comes back to the ocean, in the ocean of wholeness, that we're all kind of navigating toward.

MARC: That's gorgeous. [inaudible 01:41:32]. All rivers lead to the sea. That's that, right? And, I think we were going to make a promise here, and not do it now. We've talked about this deeply. This is a whole podcast, but it's crazy important, and so beautiful that you bring it to the table. That we really know that it's a story. And there's real freedom in the story. And that the story is larger than us. And that we can live in the truth of that paradox, story all the way up and all the way down, and that your story, your particular unique story is literally needed for the whole story. So, live it out loud, and choose powerfully. Gorgeous. Thank you.

AUBREY: So, we'll probably do just one more question here now, just for energetic sake. And also, we'll be back tomorrow. And we're going to send out an invite for everybody who wants to join to come back tomorrow. And we'll do this very same thing and answer more questions, and new questions tomorrow. And then we'll have also... Again, I'll open myself to additional processing time with the community on the backside of this when I have my resources kind of fully online. And again, as Chris shared, there's a million things to do when you're the next of kin. There's an impossible amount of complexity in what I'm trying to handle now with my father's... It's a lot. But, ultimately, I'm really, really grateful to be here with you guys. And thank you for sticking with us. And yeah, so let's take one more question. And thank you, sis, Thank you for sharing that.

CLAIRE: If Andre is here still. He has a question that was echoed by somebody else. 

ANDRE: I am. Aubrey and Marc, thank you guys. Seriously, your just vulnerability and continuing embodiment of the masculine, giving us this blueprint, and this way to really alchemize the ancestral trauma. I literally feel the blessings of your father bestowed upon me and how it's implemented in my life as well. My father's still living. I don't really have a relationship with him. I don't really know much about him, surface level relationships. I found my blessings in his absence. For people who don't have that perspective, though, how do you go about acknowledging the blessings and receiving them?

AUBREY: Why don't you take this one first, brother?

MARC: Sure, love. It's good to meet you, man. 

AUBREY: Yeah, it's good to see you, Andre. 

MARC: Welcome, man. Welcome, welcome. Yeah.

AUBREY: And, one thing I can say to you, Marc, before you answer this. Andre brings the blessings of the Father wherever he goes. 

MARC: I can feel it.

AUBREY: Your presence is always a blessing. I look forward to Andre hugs at every summit you're at, brother. And that's one of the reasons why we're so happy to have you here in this container is because you're bringing that, you found it, and you've embodied that. So, whatever you've done has worked, at least from my perspective. Because your presence itself brings that blessing of the Father to wherever you are, and I think many members have felt that, not just me. So, just want to reflect that to you before kind of Marc unpacks this from a meta perspective.

MARC: That's gorgeous. Thank you, man. Thank you, Aubrey. You're such an important voice here also for all of the people, of which there are millions who can't do this exact process that Aubrey is describing. Because somehow the father is not available. And, if I can be just... There's only one story at the center, so I'm not going to go down a Marc road here. But I'll just say that, like you, I was unable to do this. I was unable to do in my life, what Aubrey just described. And then we go looking for the blessing of the Father in other places, as we should. And so, the father lives in our lives in many ways. And our relationship to the father lives in many ways. 

I have a dear friend, Warren Farrell, who spent his life writing about the Father. Warren doesn't have any children. So, there's this place in which... What are the places where Andre can receive the blessing of the Father, and pour into the Father his blessing, which are not about the biological father. So we need to be both deep in the biological father, because that's real. There may be something to be fixed there, even in writing a letter. Maybe it's not about personal contact. But there's some reason why you and your father and me and my father, somehow, reality decided to allure us to each other. And so, we have some real connection that can't be ignored. But sometimes in real life, in the nature of our sacred autobiographies, we can't actually create that bridge. We can't create that intimacy. And in this lifetime, it doesn't happen. And so we write a letter, we look for the healing, we can. 

But then we look for the larger Father. And so, you've got all this energy freed, like I got this energy freed. What can I do to heal the blessing of the Father in my circle? What can I do to heal the blessing of the Father in culture? And what can I do in this gorgeous way that you just said, you said, wow, there was this absence of the father. And I realized I had to step in and be the father. But even when you're being the father, you need the father. No one can just be the father. So, just mad blessings to the Father to you, and you're so clear and strong. And let the tender Father's arms, however they appear. The father comes in so many disguises, just wrap you up. And so, you can just love the world open as the father that you are. Something like that, brother. 

AUBREY: Amen. 

MARC: Amen.

AUBREY: One of the pieces of the dharma of Aubrey that I share with people is the disambiguation of our relationship to biological mother and father with capital Mother and F father, and understanding that any surrogate that we place, and how much Father we place in our dad, and how much Mother we placed in our mom, it's ultimately going to fall short. And no matter how many... I had another father, Steve, was my stepdad. And so he filled in a piece of the Father, and other people have filled in pieces in the biological way. But ultimately, it's my understanding of the Father, pattern itself, potter, pattern, the structure of the cosmos, and that loving force that I described. That's what ultimately liberated me to have that relationship with the Father, and to then work through the biological pieces that were there, and actually continue to liberate my own understanding of the father from the limited stand-in of Michael, or Steve, or whoever that is. And, even with my mother and my grandmother, they did such an amazing job embodying Mother. Such a blessing, holy shit. But still, I have to disambiguate that from capital Mother, what mother is really, in its totality, in its fullness. And so, that's one important idea. And that's what you were talking about.

MARC: Yeah, and that's so crazy important. So, just, if I don't do that, here's the crazy thing. If I don't do that, my relationship to my father and mother breaks down.

AUBREY: Yeah, because they crumble under the weight they cannot hold. 

MARC: That's right. We talked this deep thing that sex models eros. But if I try and get all eros in sex, then sex collapses under the weight of a burden it can't hold. So, the exact same thing is true for the eros of mother and father. What we've done in culture is, we've tried to put all of the Father on the biological father, and all of the Mother on the biological mother. And then they literally collapse under a burden they can't bear, because both me and my father, both Aubrey and his father need to be in devotion to the Father. And both me and my mother need to be in devotion to the Mother. And if I make my father the Father, and I make my mother the Mother, that's called idolatry. Amen. Wow.

AUBREY: And it's this mutuality of devotion too, and I think people understand devotion is fealty, but it's not. It's a co-participation, it's a resonance, where you're holding the Mother, the Mother's holding you. You're holding the Father, the Father's holding you. It's a whole way to re envision our participation with the divine. 

MARC: Complete mutuality with devotion. Isn't it funny? And Aubrey, give us a blessing at the end because as the more you have power of blessings. I'm just going to finish this word, and turn to you to hold this power of blessing that flows through uniquely in this week, but the devotion, devotion for us is a booby prize. In other words, she's not very this, she's not very this, but they're devoted. Devotion is everything. And devotion is always mutual. So, as the mourner, as the son, give us a blessing, brother.

AUBREY: Well, there was one other thing that I wanted to just touch on, which I think is important, Andre. One of the challenges of the father or the mother that you haven't successfully disambiguated from Mother or Father is that their presence can actually impact and actually keep you from stepping into your fullness. Like, you can't step out of the shadow of your father, your biological father, you can't step out of the s'mothering of your mother, the devouring mother, right? And that's because you haven't successfully disambiguated. So you not having a father has given you all kinds of space. And actually, me not having my father over the last 12 years has given me the space because he was always Zeus in my universe, right? And my stepdad, Steve also stepped in as Zeus for a little while. And in order for me to actually move beyond that, I had to chart my own way, and I had to make my own path. 

And that's actually why personally, I get so kind of frustrated when people try to say, "Oh, must have been easy for you, because daddy doing this thing for you." And I was like, "No, fuckers. I did this my own way" in the absence of my fathers in that period of time. And, fortunately, my relationship with my stepdad has come back together in a really beautiful way. But there was a big rupture there with both my stepdad and my father at that point. And that allowed me to actually step into my own manhood in a way. And again we could go deep in the lineage of this, but it's [inaudible 01:52:48]. It's the retraction of that kind of energy of the Father which allows you to step forward, and come forward into the fullness of who you are. And another footnote to talk about the...

MARC: We're going to conclude with a blessing, but, Andre, you're just, you're evoking so much. Abraham, Islam, Christianity, Hebrew wisdom, how does the story start? The first grade spiritual journey, 12:1 Genesis, leave [inaudible 01:53:22] leave your father's house. [inaudible 01:53:25] you shall go forth, it translates. But actually, it means [inaudible 01:53:29] to you. Go deep into Andreness, go deeper into Aubreyness. In order to do that, there's a place in which you need to leave the father behind. And they're both true, and that's the paradox. And that's the journey. There first shall a man leave his father and mother to cleave to his own great union. And so they're both true, and I can only receive the blessing of the Father, if I can leave the father in some way. So, give us a blessing. This is a moment for you to be the Father.

AUBREY: Father lives in us and through us and as us always. You've never been abandoned by your father. Your father's never not been proud of you. Father's never not loved you. Not ever, not for a moment. Every time you've fallen, you've fallen in the arms of your Mother. She's never abandoned you. She's never not been proud of you. She's never not loved you. Both your Mother, your Father and your mother are there, always there. And they're real. They're real. They're real. It's real. It's not a fiction. It's not a story. As we know story, it is a story. But it's not a fabrication. It's real. The Father and the Mother are real. And they're there for us always. And even if we're blind to them, and even if we've screamed in our own blasphemous rage, like, you've abandoned me, Father, where are you, mother? How could you do this? Whatever we've said, they've still been there, unflinching, every step, every breath, every fall, every triumph. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you, my son. I'm so proud of you, my son. I'm so proud of you, my son. Keep going. Tell me your story. Tell me your story, sweetheart. I want to hear your story, my love, with full, full attention. Every moment, Father and Mother are just waiting and saying, tell me more. Tell me more about Andre. Tell me more about Chris, tell me more about Aubrey. Tell me more about whatever your sacred name is. Tell me more. Tell me more. Because I love you so much. And I want to live your story with you.

And that's the truth. And that's the greatest blessing, is to know that that truth is real. And I pray and I bless you all that you find that truth, as I've found it myself. To know the father and the mother, and to feel them living in me as me and through me, and beyond me. And that's the blessing I have for today.

MARC: Amen. 

AUBREY: Amen. 

MARC: Right. And it's only when you receive the blessing of the Father, that you can give the blessing of the Father. Amen. 

AUBREY: Amen.

PART II: DAY 4 OF SHIVA

AUBREY: I thought I'd open this up by turning this over to you, my brother. Just so people get an idea of what Marc and I are doing. We didn't know that we were going to be here for this process. This was one of the miracles of this week was, he was here with me. And we had plans to do other podcasts and things, because we're building something together. We're building a new story, and the story of a new world philosophy and religion, as he says, a context for diversity, a place where we can bring all of our truths through whatever prism we see, and weave them all together into something that we know and feel is true in our body. And, something that we can all share in, a shared story of value, a shared story of the way forward through these perilous times. And there's many vectors of that. There's the vectors of eros, there's the vectors of value, there's vectors in a million different directions. We'll get to them all, eventually, in this long and beautiful life that we have. 

So, before I turn it over.... So actually, I'm going to turn it right over to you to just initially open us up with a prayer, and open us up with a prayer. And then turn it back over to me and I'll explain to you guys kind of where I'm at. We're in day four of the Shiva, which is a traditional seven-day sit in mourning and celebration of someone who has passed. And we're doing it in a slightly evolutionary way as we're doing. We're taking the best of the lineage, which is something that Marc has spent, really, his whole life studying in the Hebrew wisdom tradition. And we're evolving it as actually the tradition, not only suggests but demands, when you're able to access the truth. The demand is to evolve it and we are evolving it, but also keeping the best of the wisdom that's been passed down from your teachers, a lot of masters that you've studied for over the thousands of years, all the way back to the original masters who wrote the original book. So, I'm going to turn it over for you, for a prayer and then turn it back to me, and I'll fill everybody in just where my heart and mind is at in this process.

MARC: Yeah, thanks, Aubrey. Good morning, man. And good morning, everyone. Just to create a context for a short prayer, and then just to hear from you, Aubrey, where are we? So, even before our prayer, just, where are we? Aubrey mentioned it. We are inside of something. We're on day four of Shiva. And it's not Lord Shiva, though Lord Shiva is here with us. But it's Shiva the oath, Shiva the fullness, Shiva the seven days in which we bracket everything. We don't bypass anything. And we go in to meet death, and to meet the death of the Father, and to meet the crisis. And our prayer is, the crisis is a birth. Our prayer is crisis is an evolutionary driver. And as we step in, and I'll set larger context later, both for what Aubrey and I are doing, and for what this week's about. But in the most specific right now, this moment place, what we do in Shiva is we ride the personal crisis into transformation. 

And so, our prayer, our prayer to the Great Mother, who suffuses all of reality, our prayer to our Father above and below who suffuses all of reality, the Father who holds us, the Mother who holds us, and in whom we participate at the same time, so that we are mother and father in our evolutionary family. So, we turn to the Mother and we turn to the Father, because they're always together, they're never apart. And we say, let us be humble, let us surrender, and let us be bold, and let us be audacious, and let us love each other. And let all of us together, take our unfinished business with our fathers and mothers, with our fathers and mothers in culture; the father who's been murdered in culture, and the mother who's been lost in culture, the great father and mother, the fathers and mothers of our personal lives, Aubrey's father. 

Because what we're doing is, is we're stepping into a Shiva house. We're in Shiva house, we're on the floor sitting in mourning. And Aubrey here is today in many roles, but primarily at the center, he's mourning the death of the father. And we're looking to liberate Aubrey's father, because that's what we do in this moment from the bardo, from the place in between. And here, the father turns to the son and says, I need you. The father needs the son. And the son needs to receive the blessing of the Father, to recall, to remember to recover the blessings of the Father that lined Aubrey's youth, and that lined our youth. The blessings of the Father and the blessings of the father that we couldn't receive when the father was here. And to do a great fixing. 

And we'll talk about all that today. That's our prayer, God. Our prayer is, let us do this well, and let's do it with complete vulnerability, and complete openness and complete honor, and mad outrageous love. And let's do it not just for the sake of our own personal transformation. But let Aubrey's transformation which is Marc's transformation, which is all of our transformation, let our transformation be the transformation of the whole. [inaudible 02:03:12]. For the sake of the uniting of the father and Mother, above and below, in all worlds, at all times. Amen.

AUBREY: Amen. Alright. 

MARC: Cha.

AUBREY: Cha. So, as I mentioned yesterday, when we connected in our first ceremony, and connected to my father, there was my father at two different levels. There was the father that was splintered off in confusion. Again, the 12 years that he spent listening to the voice that was not the voice of God, and not the voice of his higher self, but a different voice. And wherever you want to locate that different voice, we have a term for where that voice was, and a feeling for where that voice was. It was in [inaudible 02:04:02] which you've described as the upside down world. It's the turning of the face from the divine, so that you're actually hearing a different voice, and you're not actually looking, [inaudible 02:04:13], face to face, with the Divine. There's many reasons that we could explore. And I'd to share one of the experiences I had in my darkness retreat, where my father talked about that. 

This is just occurring to me now. I didn't plan on sharing this. But it's occurring to me now because it can explain some of this that's happening. So, imagine day four. So in my darkness retreat, I think that's when it was. And I don't think I fully told the story even in the documentary. But I saw my father, clear. And again, open-eye, close-eye visuals, it's all the same in the darkness. You're in pitch black, doesn't matter. You don't really know if it's open or close eyed. And it's just the endogenous DMT of the darkness that's creating the vision. So you're not on any medicine other than the darkness at that point. And to understand the endogenous DMT process, you can go to the podcasts with John Dean and John Chavez. And if you're curious about how that might happen, there, supposing that it has to do with something converting from the excess melatonin that you're getting from the darkness. But that's a different story. 

What happened was, I saw him sitting in the corner of the room, saw my father. And he was reading a book. This was 2020, so it had been 10 years since I'd really connected with the true essence of my father. And I saw him reading this book in the corner of the room. And I said, first, of course, a little shocked, but I said, "Hey, Dad, what are you reading?" He goes, "The Book of Lies." And I said, "Dad, why are you reading 'The Book of Lies'? Why are you reading "The Book of Lies" Dad?" And he said," Because I never felt like I was enough." And he closed the book. And he said, "I never felt like I was enough. So I had to turn to "The Book of Lies." And that's how he finished it. I never felt like I was enough, so I had to turn to "The Book of lies". And ultimately, that's really what happened, he turned to the book of lies coming from [inaudible 02:06:40] in some way, shape, or form. And he closed the book in the vision. 

And again, clear vision, not just imagination. Clear vision. Closes the book, throws the book over his shoulder. And he just looked at me, and he said, "Son, know that you're always enough, and know that you're loved. And you'll never have to read "The Book of Lies." 

MARC: Amen. 

AUBREY: Amen. And that was the end of that. That was the end of that vision. So in going back to Sunday, in our ceremony, I encountered the part of my dad that had splintered and been listening to "The Book of Lies" and was very confused. You read "The Book of Lies", you get lost in the dark forest, you get lost in confusion. And there was a part of him that was splintered there. And if you recall, I saw his eyes twisting with this spiral of smoky distortion, black energy. And then I was able to connect to the true Father, the same father that expressed to me about "The Book of Lies". That was always there as well. It was always the self of my Father on multiple levels. 

So, yesterday, we finished this recording with you guys. And thanks again for being here with us through this whole process. Deep gratitude, because it's part of the sharing. It evoked something to be able to share with all of your hearts. And, you guys are, as we always say, like you're the extended family here. You're the community, you're the village. Fit For Service is the village. And of course, there's also my own little village, and there's villages within villages. So, yesterday, I go and I tried to connect with him. And I'm trying to connect with the true essence of Father again, of trying to find him, but I can't find him. And an hour passes. I've got my blindfold on, I'm listening to music. And interesting music that I wouldn't normally listen to, but I was guided to listen to it. And some rather intense music. For those of you who were at Sedona breathwork, it was actually some of that playlist. So really strong [inaudible 02:08:53] song, a strong Icaro. Some really powerful music that was kind of driving this ceremony. 

But, I felt like I was just perpetually in this forest of confusion, in the dark forest. And I couldn't find him, and everything was confusing. Actually, at that point, I called on one of my really strong allies that's emerged, and that's my sister, Waida. Waida, you guys have probably seen her perform. If you were at this past Core summit, you obviously got to see her, and do a workshop with her and hear her perform and understand her, but I've really developed personally, an amazing relationship with her. We have a podcast coming out, and we've sat in sweat several times now together, and done ceremony together. And just she's a really powerful sister. She gave me a little opal as part of our bead exchange ritual. I grabbed the opal and I said, "Sister, come help me through this forest." And I saw her come into my vision space, and she had her eyes closed and she was just singing a song. She sings. She knows hundreds of medicine songs. I see Ken Conti there on the screen, and I know that you know the power of Waida's medicine songs when she starts singing. 

And by the way, if you're ever in a sweat lodge with Ken Conti, you're going to feel a little bit worse about yourself when you finish, because he just sits stoic, like the Rock of Gibraltar right in front of the fire while everybody else is gasping and lying down on the ground, sipping air out of a straw, trying to cool off, and crawling towards the door every time you get a chance. Ken just sits in there until everybody's gone. So, Ken, a little nod to you and the deep years of practice you've spent in the Sundance that have prepared you to allow your mind and your prayer to give you strength in those situations. So, deep bow to you, brother. I called him Waida, and she was singing her songs. And just kind of helped ground me as I navigated through this forest. And then I felt my dad's energy meet mine, the fullness of my dad's energy. I found him. I found him there in the bardo. 

And what I felt happen is I felt us merge in a way. And we've had this idea from the start that the way to really liberate my father from the bardo is to liberate any trace of my father that needed to be healed. Anything that needed a tikkun, a fixing, and bracket dat, because you'll talk about that, what a tikkun, a fixing, And anything that needed a fixing in him, find it in myself, and fix it in myself. It's very whole [inaudible 02:11:40] in that philosophy, which is, we can fix something externally by fixing something internally. Because the internal and the external are always related. The law of correspondence if you're in hermetic wisdom, which is as above, so below. This idea that you can find in yourself that which you're looking to change on the exterior. 

But I really felt that happen in a profound way, where my father's energy and my energy kind of merged. It was this really kind of beautiful moment. And it didn't have a lot of words, didn't have a lot of visions, it was just a gnosis. Like, okay, our energy is together now. And that night, was day three of our Shiva night. And there's just one more story to kind of bring you guys up to speed. And I invited my stepfather to come sit Shiva. And my stepfather knew my father because he was first hired by my father as my father's bodyguard to protect my mom and me and him. But really, if you talk to Steve, even though he was a very decorated SWAT team officer from Los Angeles, and has wild stories that had us roaring and laughter. If anybody wants to hear how good a storyteller Steve is, you can listen to the podcast we did. And we might have to do a whole other podcast with Steve at some point. 

But, we were going through the conversation, and we talked about how since I was two years old, he provided a different model of father. And again, we said disambiguate Father from the biological father. Well, I wasn't doing that consciously, but I just had two strong father figures that were wildly different. Steve was like Baloo the Bear, and I was like Mowgli. He could tell stories, we could roll around, and wrestle. He was deeply in his body, fully in his body. And he's great with kids. I mean, I see my little niece and nephew now playing with him, and it's where he's actually most alive. When he's around kids, he's most alive, or telling a great story. That's what brings him alive. So, I had that. I had that relationship, but I never called Steve, dad. And I don't think I've ever felt that consciously. But subconsciously, of course. Of course, he took some of the burden of father, and also provided me a model. But he was also hard on me. And he actually said that, he wished he could have been as hard on his own sons, my three step brothers as he was on me, because he thought, that's what contributed to being a better father. And so, I'm listening to that. And we go through, and it was a beautiful conversation, and we recorded some of that. Maybe that'll be released at some point. 

We're going through this conversation and I remember there was this one very, very intense moment where, and Steve was with me, and he told the stories of me as a basketball player. I have a very competitive fire. I like when people bet against me. My favorite thing is when people bet against me. I'm like, oh, you're going to bet against me? Bet more, double down, let's go. It always brings out my best. I have a dice here with me now on the table, this is the dice that I found with the six upwards at my father's house. But even if we're at a craps table, for those of you who know craps. If someone bets on the Don't Pass bar which is basically saying that the shooter will not actually hit the number, that you're going to actually crap out, and you're going to lose. So they're betting against you. Some metaphysical spiritual power, I'll look them right in the eye and I said, Put more on the line, and I'll put more on the Pass Bar, in the come line. Put more, like, alright, let's go. Let's go, me and you, we're in this. We'll see who's got this. And I'll roll. 

And of course, if you listen to the podcast with Dean Raiden, you know that there's some magic that's real. There's something there that's happening, and something happens where my percentage of winning when I lock into somebody who's betting against me, just goes way up. And that was with basketball too. The more aggressive the fans were, the more they were shouting at me, the more it evoked something for me. And Steve got that about me, he understood that. So, I got that. But he said one thing that really fucking pissed me off. And this was when I was 30, simultaneously at the time that I lost my connection with my father. So again, there's lots of avenues we could go down here. 

But one of them is that both my stepdad and my dad actually removed their energy from my life at the same time. And we referenced that in the last podcast. 

But before I went on my way, which actually he gave me a severance because I was working. He was my main client, so I was working with him. And he gave me a generous severance, but also some parting words. And the parting words were, "You will never be successful without me." And I was like, fuck you. Like, fuck you. And I carried that fuck you for years. And it was actually Anahata who you guys may know, was like, four years later was like, "Hey, but what did that fuck you do for you?" I was like, "It fucking lit a fire under my ass." And of course, some of that energy drove me into building Onnit into what it was. Some of it was the pure inspiration. I love the total human optimization concept. And I wanted to do this, but I also had this fire. 

So, I'm in this conversation with Steve, and we haven't mentioned when he said that. And I wasn't going to mention it because it's awkward. It's like, "Man, but you remember when you said that fucked up thing to me?" I was thinking that. But I heard the voice. And this is after, again, the ceremony where I connected and felt merged with my father. I heard, the voice of my dad said, "You have to ask him that question." This is your integrity, to ask him that question, and to create the tikkun, the fixing of that moment. You have to. And I was like, fuck, all right. This conversation has been real good. It's been real good so far. But this is going to be an A. 

I just asked him. I said, "Do you remember when you said that to me?" He goes, "Oh, yeah, I remember." And I was like, "Now, did you say that unconsciously? Or did you say it consciously? Because it did light a fire under my ass." He says, "Oh, I said that consciously. Because I knew you. And I knew that if I gave you something to rage against, that that would allow you to differentiate as a man. And that would give you the motivation." He always said, people are moved by inspiration and desperation. And he says inspiration is only for concert pianists. Real men need desperation. And whatever you want to think about that piece of dharma, it's Steve's dharma. It's what he believes. And in that moment, it was beautiful to kind of go full circle, 12 years later, and realize that he was consciously providing me something that would liberate me from him completely, set him in opposition. But he did it as an act of love. So that was a blessing of the Father.

Simultaneously, I got to that point, from the blessing of my own father, which is that double edged sword of judgment and integrity. His own self judgment, also driving his own integrity. And the integrity of my father being with me caused me to ask that question. So, it was this beautiful moment of many gifts, that we received from the Father last night, from Steve, from my dad. And also Steve got to talk about how being there, fresh from being a police officer and seeing my father's house, which was a house that, the energy was that anything in the world as possible. Anything is possible. My dad made an absolute fortune out of an $800 account. Anything is possible. And that also drove Steve, and also that was his wife's ex. So, there was a little bit of fuck you in Steve too to try and become successful. And of course, Steve did. 

MARC: He did.

AUBREY: He did, he built that. So there was many blessings of my father, and blessings from the father figure that Steve was yesterday. And so, I arrived today and I'm feeling very grateful, very full. And, also very clear that for the rest of this week, as far as I can see it, the most important mission is the full tikkun, the full healing of myself, and in the healing of the son, the healing of my father, and participating in the healing of the collective Father and the collective Son. And so, that's where we are. 

MARC: That's where we are. 

AUBREY: That's where we are. 

MARC: Beautiful. Beautiful. Thank you. Thank you, Aub. It was gorgeous, and important. And thank you, everyone, for just being here. It's great to be with you. What I'm going to do kind of in this part two, like we did in part one. I'm just going to spend a few minutes, Aub, and everyone, just kind of laying out our context, but like context within context within context, because context is, where are we? Where are we? In the work we're doing, and, Aubrey actually has really invited me deeply into his world, and I've invited him deeply into my world. The worlds remain distinct and separate, and each one has its own wondrous beauty. And we're trying to create something new. When two things come together, something emerges. 

So, Aubrey is joining us also as the... He has a beautiful lineage before him. Actually, Austin, John Mackey, and Austin was our board chair and Laura Galperin, one of the great therapists and Sharif Melnick, and Gabrielle Anwar. So, Aubrey is coming in after that illustrious lineage, and taking on the chairmanship of the board, of the think tank, and working with us on thinking on this huge strategy for how we actually evolve the source code of consciousness and culture. And I'm obviously, showing up here, here I am in Austin, Texas. And God has said, oh, my God, you and Aub have to do this together. And Aub's dad passes away as we land. Is that even possible? So, this wonderous deepening. And, what are we up to? And why is this public conversation happening? 

Because there's this huge commitment to tell this new story of value. And all of it is just words until we live it in the stories of our lives. So anything new, I come from a Hebrew wisdom tradition. But I practice in Buddhism and in Christianity, and in Sufism, and in all the great philosophies, and I'm trying to weave together into this new story of value. Aubrey is joining with me in that, and bringing all of his wisdom, from his shamanic traditions, and from his life, as we're weaving this new story. But we're weaving it, because we're in a crisis, because we're in a meta crisis. And so, the question is, always, where are we? Who are we? And what's there to do? So, that's always the question. We call those the three great questions of cosmo-erotic humanism. 

So, where are we right now? Let's apply them right now. Where are we? We're in Shiva. We're in the death of the Father. And Aubrey just said, okay, where am I right now? And where am I right now in this week, in day four of Shiva? And just by calling it, by claiming this technology, we're actually reclaiming this technology and weaving it together into this new possibility of this world religion as a context for our diversity. And the beginning is, how do we address death? So everything emerges from how we address death. It's kind of the first shock of existence is death. And then death presses us into life. 

Second shock of existence, the death of our humanity. Death presses us into life. And then there's the individual first shock, my dad died. And if my dad died, that means that I'm next in line. I am now the father. I am now not waiting for my dad to pass, I'm the father. I'm in that line. And I need to then understand who was my father to me? And everyone listening needs to understand the same thing. Aubrey is modeling, we're sitting in the Shiva house. And I'm here as Aubrey's friend, I'm here as world philosopher, I'm here as Rabbi, I'm here as beloved. We're all beloveds to each other. So, Aubrey is modeling for us, what do we do with our unfinished business? What's the fixing that needs to happen? That's the word tikkun we're using, which is a word from Hebrew wisdom lineage which says, I'm born to do a unique fixing. And I'm born to a particular father, to a particular mother, in a particular moment in time. And either I've got, as Andre said yesterday, I've got to form myself in the unique absence of the Father. And that's the fixing. Or I have to actually find the father and find the blessing of the Father, and for myself in relationship to the Father. 

But then it's even more than that, and we go even deeper. The son needs the Father's blessing. We need the blessing of the Father. But the father needs the son's blessing. The father needs the Christ. We said yesterday, Darth Vader needs Anakin. It's always true. And it's always about that, it's about the father and the son seeing each other in creating this new partnership, this new depth, this new wholeness. Let's go even deeper, friends, okay? We're just going to open this up even deeper. So, Aub, you could look at your father and you could... We said yesterday, you could figure out everything that went wrong, and lots went wrong. You could pathologize or you could mythologize it, say, what's the great myth here? And we can look at ourselves, and we could self-pathologize, or we can mythologize, what's the unique self-mythic life that she, that reality needs me to live? So that's the Father, and I want to just kind of, if I can land the Father and Mother in the space in a couple of minutes, and then get real personal, Aub, again into what's going on personally. 

So who's the Mother? Who's the father? So, I have here, I caught it as I walked out of Aubrey's house. I went quickly online and printed it out. Sinead O'Connor. You remember Sinead O’Connor, right? Sinead O'Connor, like, oh my god, right? And she's still kind of awesome. She writes a song about the mother. And the song is, this is to mother you, to comfort you and get you through. Through when your nights are lonely, through when your dreams are only blue, this is to Mother you. This is to be with you, to hold you and kiss you too. For when you need me, I will do what your own mother didn't do. So that's the Mother. It's not just the biological mother, it's the Mother. And all the pain that you have known and all the violence in your soul, and all the wrongs you have done, I will take from you when I come. All mistakes made in distress, all your unhappiness, I will take away with my kiss. Yes, I will give you tenderness, for child I'm so glad I found you. Although my arms have always been around you, sweet bird. Although you did not see me, I saw you. And I'm here to mother you, to comfort you, and get you through. 

That's the blessing of the Mother. And every place you fall, you fall into her hands. That's the Mother. Then there's the Father. Now the Father holds all of this, the Mother and the Father, and are included with each other. The Father's got all this. There's no Mother and Father, all one. But the father says, I'm so proud of you. Right. Aub, you said, in part one yesterday at the end, the gorgeous blessing you gave, I'm so proud of you. I'm so proud of you. But in that I'm so proud of you, there's demand. There's demand, there's an invitation, there's a call. I'm so proud of you because of who you are, because of the way you're showing up. Because of, when we talk about the question of who are you in this new story of value, because you're living your unique self, and you're giving your unique gift and you're doing your unique transformation. And here's that word, drumroll friends, you're doing your unique tikkun. You're doing your unique fixing that all of reality needs. You're madly needed by reality, and you're responding, you're answering a need that no one else but you can answer in the universe. You're madly needed. 

So let's see if we can just kind of drop in just one step further, before we get crazy personal, okay? So, there's Aub's father in the death of the Father. There's your father. And then there's the Father who calls and says, I need you to show up, I need you to be in integrity. The Father is value. The father's a shared grammar of value that calls each of us uniquely. And we've killed the Father. We've lost the Father, we've lost the call to value, we deconstructed value, we deconstructed the Father, and all this was left was a demonized patriarchy. 

So, let's just feel into this for a second, okay? Let's just see if we can make this even more real. So, the medicine... Aubrey, you're deep in the path of medicine, and you've invited me to play with you in the path of medicine and we have. The medicine is the Mother. The dharma, the new story of value is the Father, right? And when Aubrey and I came out of the first journey we did together, we both had this realization, which expressed itself and it didn't even matter which one of us said it because we're speaking this together. The medicine needs the dharma. And the dharma needs the medicine. The Mother needs the Father, the Father needs the Mother.

And so, each of us in evolutionary family, our mother and father, where mother and father to this whole circle of intimacy in our lives. So, we're standing for value, we're calling value from ourselves. We're unique selves in a unique self-symphony. And, we have a unique tikkun, a unique fixing that needs to be done. And it's intensely intimate and personal. The story, Aub, and now we're turning to. The story you just told is intensely intimate and personal. Now we have a context. 

AUBREY: Yeah.

MARC: So, that intimate and personal story... So here's the sentence and it's a crazy sentence. And then I'm going to ask you two questions about the fixing. But here's the sentence. Aubrey and I have talked about this sentence, and just to share with you all, here's the sentence. Reality is not just a fact. Reality is a story. Reality is not an ordinary story. Reality is a love story. Reality is not an ordinary love story. Reality is an evolutionary love story, it's an outrageous love story. It's a story of eros. We live in a cosmo-erotic universe. But now here's the crazy, insane... We're on the Shiva house. We're in the Shiva house. We're in day four, we're sitting on the floor. Here's the crazy sentence. In your story, my story, Aubrey's story, unique story is chapter in verse in the universal love story. So, this story that Aubrey is telling us is not someone's personal story someplace. That personal story is a face of the personhood of the infinite godfather and godmother. So, godfather, godmother holds us, this is the new story of value. Based on the best interior and exterior sciences we have, integrated together in a new weave. She holds us, he holds us, and we participate in her.

And if Aubrey does his unique tikkun this week, and who the fuck has the courage to say, in the week of their father's passing, this invites me to liberate my father, my father's waiting for me. And we could feel on the last day, we could feel your dad beginning to move, beginning to respond for the first time. But Aubrey says, "No, I've got to do a fixing." That's what's the Shiva house is. There's a unique tikkun. There's something for me to transform here. I've got to liberate my father. But I've got also receive the blessing of my father in a new way. I've got to mythologize, don't pathologize, right? Let's not get stuck in the wounding but transform the wounds into the wounds of love. And I've got to model it. Because all of us need to do it. Because that's what it means to be a human being. So, part of this new world religion as a context for our diversity is how we engage death. Death presses us in to life. 

So here's my question. That's a big context. So thank you, everybody, for the patience for that. But context is everything. Where are we? This is where we are. This is where we are right now. What's the tikkun? What's the fixing? And so, this fixing, which is the fixing of the whole, and this fixing that both you can model, and yet also can be done only uniquely by you. So it's most personal and most intimate. And yet the great Father needs that fixing, and to know that the great Father is listening in, just the Mother is to how you're doing Shiva. And that your journey is part of the journey of the great Father and that your life matters so much. And she needs you, and he needs you. He dad, right? Michael Phillip Marcus, and he, our Father is waiting for you, for we, for all of us to do this. So, tell us that story. Oh my God. 

AUBREY: Yeah, so, one, before I get into that, one bracket that I just feel I can't resist sharing about is, and you'll be hearing more about this because Vylana and I are getting comfortable in sharing this. There's a very special ceremony that Vylana and I facilitate where it's just me, and I'm using the technology of Porangui's bodywork that I apprenticed. And also what Marc calls the dharma, which are the kind of, in a way it's its own perennial philosophy, evolving perennial philosophy. And that's an evocation intentionally of Aldous Huxley, who we haven't got a chance to really dive deep on. But he had this idea of these values, of these truths that we can feel in our body. And we've been in this deep study. And so, I'm able to not only work on the body, but also work on individual. I enter the field of the person, the unique field of the person and I offer what moves through me, as the dharma, as you call it. 

And the dharma are these truths, these concepts that land, and then can straighten out any crooked stories that lead to dark forests that we all have. And that's ultimately what we're doing with myself and my own father now. But using the medicine technology, weaving in the dharma and that's what we're doing with me, and that's what also I do in that ceremony. Now, Vylana holds the feminine pole. She sings like an angel with her sound bowls as part of the ceremony, and she does her own magical priestess work as well. And so, that's just one way that the medicine and the dharma are really weaving together in a strong way. And you'll hear more about this ceremony kind of coming up as we talk about it. Again, the medicines, the beauty is the medicines that we're using are legal in most places. It's ketamine and cannabis, which is kind of a nice--

MARC: Always good when it's legal. 

AUBREY: That's not always true, actually. So sometimes good but it's legal. I'll change that.

MARC: WeI won't be talking about the rest of that today. 

AUBREY: We'll leave that one. We'll leave that one out. So, all right, so the tikkun. So Steve, who knew my father from a different lens, he knew my father when he was still in primal therapy. And he had some choice words to say about the founder of primal therapy. And we'll leave that also on the side. 

MARC: He did.

AUBREY: Because he got to know that man who was kind of leading my father through, and I saw in my dad's own words in the journal. And I heard from him how much he eventually turned away from that process. We talked about, that it didn't work. And then he eventually turned to medicine. And then he eventually gave up medicine for "The Book of Lies". And that was kind of his sad trajectory, and also beautiful trajectory. Because in that, we can learn some things. 

So, one of the things that Steve shared about my father was, that he had the amazing superpower to just stay locked in with his focus. His mind could just take one subject, one thing that he was thinking about, and he would block out the whole rest of the world. And he would just move through, and just machinate on that one thing, to the almost utter blindness of everything else that was going on. And that gave him part of his superpower. And we were laughing with Caitlin and with Vylana, that I have some of that as well. And Caitlin actually, interestingly, sketched a picture, back when we were together, because it was stronger for me then, that kind of blindness, where I would just go into this portal of absolute focus. Like the opposite of attention deficit, where you're just distracted, I can still lock in with amazing focus. 

And Caitlin sketched a picture of her with her hand up at the door, trying to get my attention, and I'm on my computer just locked in. And she's speaking to me, but I'm not registering it. And then she would go to leave, and I'd go, "What'd you say?" Because I could sense her absence at that point. And it would pull me out of that. So, that aspect of my father is something that is both superpower, it has two sides. It's usually the gift, there's the blessing, and then there's the challenge that comes with that. So I'm so grateful for the blessing because it's allowed me to have an amazing work capacity and focus. I can take a book and read it in three hours if I want. And, of course, it's the speed reading techniques. But I'm so radically focused, the whole world drops away, and I can absorb the core content of that knowledge. Or I can write with incredible focus. Or I can do things that are really potent and powerful. 

But the thing that I've been able to bring in is, I think, potentially through modeling it through Steve potentially, just my own unique nature, my mother, the love of my mother, as well, so many other factors. I also can feel through my body. So it's also the feminine truth of really feeling into my body. Whereas my father was really locked in his head. And the body provides a source of other wisdom and feeling and truth. And most of the time now, when I'm speaking to y'all, or I'm doing something, it's part in my head. And it's part me just feeling, letting go, surrendering to the truth that's moving through. So, a lot of that work has been done. But there's more emphasis on just feeling what I'm feeling through my body. And I think that's one thing that's part of this fixing, and as my dad's energies with me, to just really allow myself to fully feel through my body without thinking. 

Because one of the things that he got locked in thinking was the judge that was judging him based on his performance. And again, this was the reason why he turned to "The Book of Lies" because he never thought he was enough. He didn't have that felt sense of the Mother moving through him. So he was always looking at himself from the outside perspective, that super ego perspective and judging whether he was doing it good enough. So whether he was making love, he was judging whether he was doing it the right way. And that's a fixing that still has tendrils and threads, that keeps me from the ecstasy of eros is like, am I thinking about what I'm doing? And it's been a lot of work to get out of my head, and actually fully into my body and into the moment. 

MARC: So we're in the Shiva house, we're on the floor. We're talking now and we joked yesterday. Aubrey and I were joking yesterday. I'm kind of in my last 20 years in my world philosopher mode, but I come from a rabbi place, but that's not what I present in the world but somehow we're in Rabbi week, and Shiva week. We're on the floor. So I'm going to be kind of friend, beloved, world philosopher, rabbi, and push a little bit, okay? So the unique tikkun and as we listen to this conversation, any of us anywhere in the world, and of course I have to ask myself this, we're all asking ourselves, what's my unique tikkun? So we're both listening in to Aubrey. And yet Aubrey is opening up the space so that everyone's saying, what's my unique fixing? What's the blessing of the Father? Okay, so here's the question. 

So, the way you beautifully unfolded, brother, your unique tikkun is that I need to get something out of my mind, and actually be able to access this feeling tone. And of course, you're a big feeler, I know that. But to actually let that feeling guide me, and not being the voice in the head that's judging, am I doing it well?

AUBREY: Yeah. Am I doing it right?

MARC: Am I doing it right? So, now I'm going to kind of... Kind of brothers, kind of here we go. So, your dad had this moment of $800 to this insane kind of beautiful sacred success, a kind of storybook, kind of--

AUBREY: Mythic. 

MARC: Right, mythic, storybook. It's not like, oh, made a couple of million. Like, he just had this insane explosion in this commodities world, and it's very high paced, high stakes. And then computers come in. You can't play against computers. So he can't perform in that way. And then he couldn't find his own father, his own man, his own blessing of the father because he was so connected to a particular script of performance. So, I want to say something crazy here, okay? So, Aub and I are madly committed to this huge set of changing the world together with lots of our friends, with lots of colleagues. But I would fucking love you madly if it all disappeared. And this is a big deal. In other words, it all disappeared, and God willing it should all exponentialize. Blessings, blessings, blessings. There should be just pouring mad blessings into you, brother, and every vector of life. But bracket that for a second. The blessings keep flowing, right. And this is not going to happen, but if it all disappeared, you'd be my brother no less, because you'd still be Aubrey. Fuck, right?

In other words, in that gorgeous house we were just at, and Sedona house, and I liked the car by the way. Car was cool. Did I tell that I cracked it up a little bit? I'm sorry. Probably a good time to mention that. It's the dents. Probably not a big deal.

AUBREY: I don't think you drove it.

MARC: I couldn't even figure out how to get it started. It was like, how do you start it though? Let alone turn it off. But like, can you be Aubrey? That's I think the unique tikkun, and it's a hard one. And it's, what if you're living in New Zealand... So I just want to say, from where I sit, and now I want to give you the blessing of the Father. You're Aubrey, period. Whether we change the world together, or we die trying, or you move to Iceland because you decided to become an Eskimo. Obviously--

AUBREY: I don't think they live in Iceland. 

MARC: Do they not live in... Where do the Eskimos live, everybody? Alaska. Is it Alaska, everybody? Sorry, Alaska.

AUBREY: I don't even know if they like being called Eskimos anymore.

MARC: Everyone's so fucking politically correct, right?

AUBREY: Fair enough, fair enough.

MARC: You're going to a cold climate. 

AUBREY: Yes. Yeah. I get it. 

MARC: Obviously starting a tantric school there. 

AUBREY: Yeah, of course. 

MARC: But I love you madly there. And you're Aubrey there. That's the other, can you be that? No matter what, you're Aubrey. And that's the fixing of your dad. That's all crazy. 

AUBREY: Yeah. 

MARC: It's a big one. I apologize for that one. 

AUBREY: No, no, it's beautiful. And that also clarifies what this really is. Because if I step fully into my Aubreyness, which, interestingly, and we'll see if this thread weaves through, one of the connections that we've made to the fullness of yourself, full eros, full uniqueness, full unique self, everything online, is to be in touch with your dragon, which is your full power, right? And the dragon mythology runs deep through us. And you may have heard the name that I took on the playa, which is all another wild story of how I got that name. But Dragonheart, which is a recognition that my heart holds the power of my dragon. My unique self, the locus of identity of my uniqueness is my heart. It's not my mind. It's my heart that actually suffuses everything in this. 

So it's actuall,y and this is some Buddhist tech that I've talked to John Churchill about. It's about moving the locus of your identity where you have your identity fused to, and your focus, and your perspective and moving it from the mind to your heart. And then allowing your heart to inform everything from there. And so, locating the dragon in the heart has been a part of my own mythos. And when I am Dragonheart, when the full power of myself is coming through my heart, that's when I'm my very best. And that's when there's, at that point, that's me in my fullness, and there's no questions about who I am. There's no thoughts of me. It's just me living really in the second innocence of the garden again.

MARC: Even if there's no audience, and there's no podcast, and we're in Iceland, Alaska, wherever fuck that was. So, this is huge. This is huge. And, notice, friends, there's a set of terms we're laying down. And each one of these terms is not casual. There's huge, I mean, books on them all. One's unique self. But my unique self is, that term, that unique self, what I call unique self, what we're calling unique self is my unique quality of intimacy, my unique set of allurements, my feeling tone, which is the feeling tone of the Divine, because the universe feels, and the universe feels love. So, Aubrey can be Aubrey. That's the unique tikkun on this fourth day of Shiva. 

Aubrey can be operate without any of the public trappings of Aubreyness. He's still Aubrey. And here's the crazy thing about King Solomon. King Solomon, who in this world wisdom lineage, he's kind of the source. He marries a thousand women from different tribes around the world. So, Solomon loses the kingship. And the secret lineage texts say that even when he completely loses the kingship, he's still a king. And because he stays the king, the kingship comes back, bigger, more gorgeous, more royalty than it ever was before. And it's a crazy thing. My dad couldn't do it. Your dad couldn't do it. That was the generation of the Father that they thought the blessing the Father was their successful performance and lots of goodness, lots of blessing. But if they're not performing, they couldn't be the father. We want to perform, friends. It's not we don't want to perform, we do. We want to blow it the fuck open for the sake of she, and create... Evolve the source code of consciousness and culture. 

But somehow or another, can we free ourselves from the need for it to look a certain way, even as we do everything we can to make it that way, that that's a unique tikkun. It's actually a little shocking that's coming up. Just like, it's clarifying. Let's say, I could never teach. I mean, I'm 10 seconds. It's 2006, I'm having a bad day. It looks like a bunch of bad stuff's gone down. I don't know how to handle it. A bunch of false things happening in the play. I don't know if I'm going to be able to recover what I need in order to recover. In the end, it all worked out beautifully. But I don't know then. And I have to look myself in the mirror and say, okay, if I'm never able to teach again, am I still a king? And it's only if I can say yes to that, and you can say yes to that. And of course, you are. It's just so obvious that you are. That's such a big fixing, isn't it? It's a little crazy. 

AUBREY: Sure. Yeah, to untether yourself from the external world in all the ways, so that you can really find home in who you are. And know that who you are is the source of all the love that you'll ever need. Everything else is just the natural bonus of--

MARC: The overflow. 

AUBREY: Of what you do because of who you be, and who you actually are. It is, it's the overflow. It's just, you're the source point, and whoever drinks from the water. This was at a moment of deep, deep challenge that I had when I was in polyamory, which really tested me, because I was judging myself based on how much my partner Whitney, loved me in my own mind, and what blessings the goddess would give me compared to what blessings the goddess was giving her other lovers. So I was in this deep comparison, again, a different version of externalizing my own worth. And I was crying and vomiting and sitting on the floor. It was a very tough moment in New York. And I've told this story before, but I just went to prayer, and I don't often go to prayer. I just said like, universe, source, God, please, please, I need help. I need something. I need something right now. And the words came through from what felt like on high.

The words were, the sun does not judge itself by the shadows that it casts. And I thought about it for a minute. And I was like, "Oh, shit. That's right." the sun is not looking down and saying, "Oh, yeah, I sunburned that person." "Oh, yeah, I warmed these lands." "Oh, yeah, I created this shade. I made this big shadow when I hit this building." No, it's not doing that. It's just being the sun. It's just being the sun. And the link between the Son and the Father, many, many cultures have made that link between the son and the Father. And when there's a reason for that. I think because it's a model of what it really means to step into the fullness of yourself and the fullness of the Father. And also the Mother is contained in that too. I think those are closely linked, but it's just to be the son.

MARC: To be the son, to be the son. Again, we're getting... We're in the Shiva house. So in the Shiva House, is its own technology. Like, we haven't talked about any of this. 

AUBREY: It's almost like from son to sun. 

MARC: Because the son to sun, and the Father is also the sun. And you're at a place where you're thinking about being a father. So, stay with me for a second. So, can you, brother, and I apologize with full insincerity, turn to your father who's here, and look him so deep in the soul and say, "You're my total fucking hero." Completely independent of any of your public performance, I see you, and I love you madly, and I honor you. Not just I love you. I honor you with insane, fierce honor. Because you actually are enough. And at this moment, knowing that from me, you can look away from "The Book of Lies" and you can go on the next step of your journey and you can be liberated from the bardo.

AUBREY: Wow, it's interesting. It's interesting, because I could go into that, and I could say the right words. But actually, what I feel right now, is there's still some judgment that I'm holding actually. 

MARC: I can feel it too. 

AUBREY: And actually, so this seems to point the way to where this fixing needs to go. 

MARC: Now we're here. 

AUBREY: Is when I can really give that blessing, and say that with full truth. And again, this is the integrity of my father. I could do this for the cameras, I could do this for the podcast, I could say like, we did it, but I would know in my heart of hearts that we didn't do it, because some part of me still probably has some unprocessed judgement.

MARC: He downloaded into you. You've spoken so beautifully about him, and Michael Phillip Marcus, I'm getting to know you through your son, who holds you in such beauty and speaks of you with such kind of deep love, and as we move through your house. And you downloaded, Michael, into Aubrey, the sense that the love was pretty fucking conditional. You loved when Aubrey showed up and performed and blew it the fuck away. And now it's this great gift you gave him, and Steve saw, like, let's get Aubrey fired up, "You're not going to fucking succeed without me." He's going to go blow it away. But, actually, in that medicine, there was also poison. And that poison still lives. And actually you shared with Aubrey the magic of your success, but did you succeed in sharing with him? And that's the liberation, that's the fixing now. That actually you are enough without the radical performance. It's like a big deal. That's a big deal. 

Can I share something with you just for a second, just to give yourself just a sense, just a moment, brother. I was in a restaurant in Salt Lake City. I remember what it looks like. I had ordered lots of eggs, which I do. And it was before I had recovered what was necessary to return to my life. It's 2006, June, July. And this waitress comes over to me, and she looks at me, and she says, "You're a good man." And she gives me this dazzling smile, just the goddess, and I just burst into tears. She didn't know anything about me. But we saw each other there in that moment. And it's like, there's some way that your dad needs you to do that. And it's so beautiful because it is your dad's integrity that you don't do it before it's ready. That's also what your dad gave you. Fucking integrity. That's hard. It's actually hard, right?

AUBREY: Yeah. 

MARC: This is Shiva. 

AUBREY: This is it, yeah. And I think it's not because my dad's performance in commodities declined, or any of that shit. It's just where I'm holding the judgment is. I missed him these last 12 years. I really missed you, dad. And I missed sharing my life with you. I missed that you never got to meet my wife, and the mother of your grandkids to come. And I missed you, and I feel like, maybe you didn't have to turn to "The Book of Lies". And this six is right here, and maybe I still hold judgment that, Dad, I told you, Dad. I told you, like, I got you. And you weren't able to see it, and that's okay. And of course I forgive you. And also, there's a next level of forgiveness that I have to feel in my body fully, and to really liberate myself from my own judgment, and liberate you, dad. And we're going to do this together. It wasn't the time then, but it's the time now, and I know I'm going to get there, Dad. And I know we're going to get there together. So, just stick with me. We're at the halfway point of this technology.

MARC: This is real. 

AUBREY: By the time we go to celebrate you on Sunday, and send you beyond, I promised you, dad. We'll get there together.

MARC: So, fuck, right? So, this is so fucking... This is the Shiva house, friends. And this is where it gets world religion. So, here comes world philosopher, rabbi to talk to you about Christ. So, Christ says... Remember, brother, we talked about this once, I don't know, like a year ago, when we were studying holy of holies. Christ says two things on the cross. He says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do." That's the good version, that they tell everyone. But the second version is, "Fuck, God, Father. Why did you fucking abandon me?" He says, “Eli, Eli, lema sabachthani?” My father, who was my god, why the fuck did you abandon me? He says that on the cross. 

AUBREY: Yeah. 

MARC: Fuck. And here's the thing, when we weave a world of religion, we need something from every tradition. We can't go Jewish, Christian, shamanic. So, here's the crazy thing. And I'm not asking you to do it, brother. Because that'd be crazy. But I just want to put it on the table. Rabbi invokes Christ, headline. But fuck, this is the place where they fucking got it. The Christians got it so fucking right, and we're in their debt. And I'm a Christian in this moment. Because we can't... Which is they built an entire fucking religion on the response of the son to the betrayal of the Father. We think the betrayal is Judas. The way we tell the story is the brother betrayed. But actually, the betrayal was God. He turns to God, he says, "Why did you abandon me?" And I'm out of words. But God, how many of us have been abandoned by our father in some way? And we turn to the Father in culture. And we say like, what the fuck was Rwanda? What were you thinking there? Where were you? You were busy during Rwanda, when 800,000 people were killed in 100 days? Really? School shooting in Nashville, was it yesterday? I don't know if you saw it. I just saw it.

So, how do we forgive? And here's the crazy thing. In a world religion, to participate in the God field, somehow, even God needs our forgiveness. Words don't even make sense. But the lineage says that, that once a month, we offer an offering, which is [inaudible 02:59:24] because God says, forgive me. Alright, so no more words, but maybe forgiveness is the only way here.

AUBREY: This reminds me of, again and a lot of my own dharma comes from my own felt experiences. And that's one of the beautiful parts of us coming together is, we've each had our own sources. And in one of my sources, it was a deep medicine journey when I had just gotten to Sedona about a year ago. Maybe more, I don't know, is was somewhere in the last year, 18 months, something like that. And I tapped into a perspective that felt like the divine. And it was, of course, just a part. I'm not going to claim that I stepped into the full divine. That's crazy. I think we all have our own perspective. But it was a perspective of the Divine who looked out at the world, and all of the pain, and all of the suffering and everything, and all the beauty, but really, really was focused on the pain and the hunger and the tragedy of everything that was going on. 

And these feeling came through me and these words, and I just started sobbing deep, deep, deep, guttural tears, and it was, oh, what have I done? Like, what have I done? What have I done in creating this world of radical choice and this world of polarity and all of the pain? It was like, what have I done as the divine to create this field where there could be this much suffering? And it was the deep sadness of the divine feeling all of the suffering, feeling every bit of every one of our suffering, and it was fully real. It wasn't just God's up there, doesn't care. He's the keeper of this house of ants, and he doesn't have any feeling for the ants. 

No, he's in us, living as us, through us, with us, and feeling all of our pain, and all of our suffering. And to me, that was a big tikkun for me, in my own fixing with the divine. Because I felt that the divine felt the pain, and felt it so immensely with such compassion. And it's that Mother Mary, fierce compassion. And I felt that the compassion and the feeling was there. So it was like, okay, God didn't duck this bullet, not on all levels, at least. God didn't duck this bullet. He's there with us in Rwanda. He's there with us, and dying and being tortured and being burned and suffering, and sometimes even questioning itself.

MARC: And that's Christ on the cross. That's gorgeous, right? That's Christ on the cross. He's saying, on the cross, God the Son says to the Father, meaning God says to God. He's doing, my friend, your friend, Dick Schwartz is doing internal family systems of God. And he's saying, "What the fuck." You know, Aub, I wrote a book on tears. So, about a quarter of the book is about God's crying. And of course, we have a direct experience of it. I've never thought of a good idea, we feel the universe, you feel the universe, but then we use our mind, then we feel and we use our body. So I just want to share something with you, and maybe this is the bridge to that. We'll kind of locate it in our bodies, that feeling you had in Sedona. 

So, one of my teachers, [inaudible 03:03:05] a little town outside of Warsaw, dies in Treblinka in 1943. And he's in the Warsaw ghetto, and he's one of the fighters in the ghetto. And he's the last great Hasidic lineage master of Poland. This long lineage, all the way back to the Baal Shem Tov. And he's writing in the Warsaw ghetto, like podcasts, teachings, and he's burying them. He dies in Treblinka, and then they're dug up by a Polish peasant in 1959. And they get to Elie Weisel, and, a colleague of mine kind of writes, and writes them up in the book. It's called "The Holy Fire". So in this book, in this little book, which are basically the oral talks he gave that he wrote, and then got buried and found.

He asks a question, he says, and this is all in Aramaic, hidden language. He says, "What is God doing on the inside?" So he cites a text from Jeremiah, which says, one text says, [inaudible 03:04:09]. God is laughing. Another text says, [inaudible 03:04:13] God is crying. And they're both from Jeremiah. So then he says, well, which one? Is God crying or God laughing? So the text says in Aramaic, [inaudible 03:04:26]. This is on the inside, and this is on the outside. But the text, it's a fourth century text doesn't tell us which one. Is God crying on the inside and laughing on the outside? Or laughing on the inside and crying on the outside? So, for 2000 years, everyone assumed that what this text means is on the inside, God's obviously filled with joy and fullness. On the outside, the external God in relationship to the manifest world cries. 

So this master says, he's writing, he writes this in the Warsaw Ghetto. He says, until I watched the horror around me, that's how I interpreted these texts. But now I realize it's not true. God's pain, just like God's power is infinite, God's pain is infinite. Like you just described it so crazy beautifully. So, God has the infinity of pain. And God's tears are infinite. So, if one divine tear would but fall on the world, the world would be destroyed. So, God cries on the inside, and hides God's tears, and laughs on the outside. But the master is willing to enter into the inside of the inside, the Holy of Holies, and cry with God. When the master cries with God, than the world's transformed.

AUBREY: Wow. Amen. 

MARC: Amen, right? So, your dad's crying, we're in the bardo. We're trying to enact a new dharma, new world religion. And we're doing it by being in the stories of our lives. And right now, we're in the story of your life. We're mourners, and we're in the Shiva technology, but we're in the Shiva technology, but we're doing medicine and we're doing dharma. And we're sitting in the floor, and we're talking, and we're saying, wow,  God cries and we cry with God. And, maybe, love, and I'm going to turn it to whatever's with you, love. But... I mean, God, Goddess, who lives in us and who holds us, and who is us, and is the infinity of intimacy, was so fucking devastated by your dad being in that house for 12 years. That hurt God so much. 

AUBREY: Yeah. I think I have a blessing to offer before we move into questions. 

MARC: Yeah. 

AUBREY: And the blessing is a blessing to God. 

MARC: Yeah.

AUBREY: And the blessing is God, it's all worth it. It's all worth it. All the pain, a lot of pain. It's all worth it. For I'm with you, I make this choice again and again, to give us the opportunity to evolve, to experience, to grow, to learn, to love, to feel eros moving through our bodies, to be free, to have true freedom, to make our own story, against sometimes impossible odds, to live this epic story, to be warrior poets. You can't be a warrior poet if everything is just pollyannish, and you're in some fairy tale end. You'd get bored if it was only Elysium all the time. And I understand that, and I'm with you. Thank you for creating the context for this story to evolve, and to emerge and for all of us to find all of these truths within ourselves, and to chart our own epic, epic story. And just the blessing of one Warrior poet to you, God, is thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you for this whole existence. It's all worth it. And it's worth it not for any reason that I can describe, but it's worth it for those feelings that I've had in my life. And any one of those feelings would redeem the entirety of the suffering. And my dad had those feelings too, God. My dad had those feelings. 

I've told those stories about, I remember him in the throes of one of these most passionate feelings, the feeling that he got when he was a big hockey fan. We were hockey fans together. And Wayne Gretzky was kind of an acquaintance, and we were big fans of Gretzky. He saw Gretzky get into a hockey fight. Christian, you remember when Gretzky got into a fight? Only one. We watched it live. And Gretzky got into a fight. Now, for those of you who don't follow hockey, Gretzky was not a fighter. That was not his game. He was a skilled artisan with the hockey stick. But he dropped his gloves one day, and he said, enough is enough. Because everybody was always fucking with him. And he had Marc Messier, and Marty McSorley and he had people who could get his back. But this one day, he said enough is enough, I'm dropping the fucking gloves. And my dad just went into a state of absolute rapture in that moment. 

And, maybe it evoked something in him of that time where he wanted to drop his own gloves and say, fucking enough is enough. These voices that torture me in my own mind, this judge, enough is enough. I'm dropping the fucking gloves. And for that moment he did. He dropped the gloves, and he stepped into ecstasy. And we rode that wave of ecstasy, and we played music. We abandoned the game after that. We didn't care. We played music, we bounced on the trampoline, and just laughter was emerging from him and squeals of glee and joy, and he was really fully free. And God, I know that if that was the only moment, and my dad had many beautiful moments like that, but that one moment is enough to redeem an entire life. And so, thank you, God, for this life and for my father's life and for my life. And for everybody's life who's here.

MARC: Oh, my God. And God says, Aubrey... God is speaking. God says, Aubrey, I needed that blessing. It was a hard day here in heaven. And I needed that blessing. And, I need you. And, Aubrey says, the infinitive intimacy says, God, in this moment says, Aubrey, I needed that blessing, and I remember that day. I remember that day. And I was ecstatic. I was ecstatic in heaven, and the angels were singing that day. And sometimes I forget. And so I manifested myself as you, Aub. And I have this shocking self-recognition when I see you and I realize, oh, my God, there's more of me because there's Aubrey. And there's more of me because there's Christian, and there's more of me because there's Kristina. And I'm willing to love you so madly, that if your mood changes, Aubrey, my mood changes. I'm willing to give up my full infinite divine power, because I am the infinite intimate and I know your name, Aubrey and I need you desperately. I'm holding your hand this week and I'm on the floor with you. And I need you, and that Gafni guy. I need you guys to stay fucking in, and do this world religion shit and context for a diverse, and you're going to make mistakes. I need you to do this podcast, and I need you to build that farm, man. I'm building that farm for you, we're building it together. I love you, I need you. I love you, I need you. And thank you. Thank you for reminding me. Thank you for resouling me. Thank you for being God with me. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

AUBREY: Amen. All right, fam. Well, ilet's--

MARC: That's a late conversation.

AUBREY: Yeah. Just a casual Wednesday, day for Shiva. 

MARC: Day for Shiva house. All right, so I think Claire's still going to manage calling on whoever wants to come up. And we'll see how many questions we get through here today.

CLAIRE: I'm first going to read a question because there were several versions of it from somebody who had to leave. But I think it's potent for this container from Aaron, who says, my dad suffered with addiction and mental health challenges. He passed 10 years ago. And at that time, myself and my family were quite numb and unable to process or grieve as a family. What would a process look like similar to the one that you all are going through now, that so much time has passed, that myself and my family could do?

AUBREY: I'd like to turn to you for that one first, with the one thing that I'll just add, and maybe I'll add more later is, one of the technologies of the medicine work that I've realized is that you can travel through time. And so to just say that time we think of as an obstacle, and it is an obstacle, if you're talking about the physical. You can't undo something in the physical world. We haven't figured that out, though lots of science fiction movies are trying to figure that out. And me and Dr. Geoff Goddu, who tried to figure that out on a podcast about time travel. But fundamentally, that's a different question. But what you can do is you can change the emotions and relationships, and kind of what you're actually asking and seeking can happen in the timeless place. And so, that's the only thing I would offer. But then I'll turn it over to you. It's a big thing. It's the possibility of possibility to say that, you don't have to be bound by time.

MARC: Totally. Beautiful, right? So, Aub opens it up. There's this place, which is this, there's a text of Solomon. Her left hand is underneath my head. Her right hand embraces me in this timeless time, this placeless place, which is what you're talking about, So there's a way, and I want to just get really, really practical. Because again, we're not doing Jewish, we're not doing Christian, we're not doing shamanic, we're not doing Islamic, we're not doing Buddhist, we're not doing atheist. We're saying, what's the world context of value? So do Shiva. Have a Shiva weekend. Invite the family for three days. Get together. When you get together, try and sit not on couches, on something that's a little lower, a little closer to the floor. And in that time, ask yourselves the following. 

First, the context is tell stories. Recollect the memories. Recollect the stories and look for the gifts. And there's going to be a unique risk to take, because you can only get to a unique fixing, this tikkun through a unique risk. And unique risk is, can you find that place that Aubrey and I are looking for where you receive the blessing? What are the blessings you received? And then find your father, like she does, like God does, the Father does. Find him in his pain, and feel him in his pain. And forgive him. Not a light forgiveness, not a cheap grace. 10 years. You held on to it for good reason. And now let him go and I think Aubrey, I'm sure you can feel this as well. I can feel it now. He's not actually fully released in some way. And until you let him go on, he can't go on. So wow, so do a Shiva weekend. Is that okay to offer that tenderly? Do a Shiva weekend. Literally do what we're doing and maybe the medicine and maybe the dharma. Yeah. 

And tell the stories, and do the forgiveness and receive the blessing of the father, even as you liberate him from loneliness, because he knows that you feel him, that unimaginable pain. It doesn't mean you make it okay. Doesn't mean that what he did was the best option, the best possible and highest self. But you can feel him and he can feel you. Like that. 

AUBREY: Yeah. This idea of liberating your deceased loved ones from the bardo or placing them in the right place in the beyond, it was corrupted by the Catholics.

MARC: Right, they hijacked it and violated it.

AUBREY: There was a particular word where you would pay the priest, for, do you remember?

MARC: Yeah, there was affordances--

AUBREY: There's a particular word where--

MARC: You would actually pay the priest for the place in heaven, which, the ultimate corruption.

AUBREY: Right, and psychics will try and do the same thing. And again, I have a very mixed--

MARC: New Age fundamentalist. 

AUBREY: Yeah, New Age fundamentalist will also say, like, pay me. I remember we had, my family, my mother's side of my family, they did no funeral services in their family. So when my grandma died, there was no funeral service. There was no Shiva, there was no anything. It was just like, they just move on. And that was a shame. I did my own and I connected with... I didn't have, there wasn't tikkun. It was all love with me, and my grandma. It was like the purest, the purest relationship. There was never a single moment of flinch in that relationship. So there wasn't any tikkun for me to do. Just love, love, love, love, love, love. So I didn't feel I missed something there. And I know my grandma, at least in my relationship, she's there. But, for those who didn't, and I can see this actually, even with my mom, to have a little Shiva for grandma for my mom. Because, yes, you can hijack this and say, I'm going to pay somebody else to do that. But that doesn't do it. 

MARC: It does not do it. 

AUBREY: It doesn't do it. It's paying somebody to do a cord cutting for you of a relationship.

MARC: Or paying someone to be you in sex. 

AUBREY: Yeah, right. 

MARC: "Could you make love to them for me?"

AUBREY: Yeah, exactly. 

MARC: Right? 

AUBREY: Yeah, that's not going to work out so well. 

MARC: Doesn't work so well. 

AUBREY: So, in this, don't think of it like, this is about moving them from a physical location. Think about how they live in you, and create the fixing in yourself. And as that fixing comes through, as they're feeling through you, they want that to be fixed in you to liberate them from that own feeling of like, damn, I wish that I didn't pass this thing on. I wish they didn't still have to deal with this. So it's much more about the personal.

MARC: And what you started with was so important. I want to go yes, yes, yes, no but, just an [inaudible 03:19:13] I want to go back to the first thing you said, because it was so crazy important. And this is just, brother, this is for all of us. We just have to remind ourselves, death is a night between two days. And maybe next week, and the last two conversations we'll get to talk about death because we've actually been... But we actually know, we have an enormous amount of information I'm not going to go into now. It comes from three different vectors of information. That actually death is not the end of the story. And that actually, eternity doesn't mean endless time. Eternity is just a lot of time. Eternity is not a lot of time. Eternity is beneath time and space. And that actually that reality of beneath time and space is fully alive and present. 

So, the notion that when someone dies, they're no longer in existence is absurd. There's a continuity of consciousness. And until you've done that fixing, they're actually accessible to you. You can actually find them. And this is a world religion moment. It's not a Jewish, shamanic. Every great interior science had a technology where there was direct realization of that truth. That's a big deal. We just need to kind of say that. Because you can't actually be sane. And this is, maybe on Monday, Tuesday, we'll talk about this. You can't be saying, if life's over at death. You actually can't be sane, you can't actually be a sane human being. Because we actually know that life's not fair for lots of human beings. We know life's not complete in one lifetime, we know the world's a field of value. So, you actually can't actually hold sanity. You can't hold actual mental stability if you actually believe this world is all there is. That's a very powerful idea. 

Jung said, he said he could never achieve stabilization of any patient until he was able to give them a transmission of immortality. And literally, we have a sick society. But part of our sickness and part of the meta crisis is because we're extracting everything, in this win lose metrics, because we actually believe that the finish line is death. And so all we have is this horrific degradation. And so knowing that death is not all that is, and knowing that, Aub, that, of course, we met before. And of course, we're going to meet again. Amen.

AUBREY: Amen. Amen. 

CLAIRE: Next, I have Scott. 

SCOTT: Hey, what's up, brother Aubrey? How are you, brother?

AUBREY: I'm doing good, man. Good to see you. 

SCOTT: I just want to, I think first start with honoring this moment and this space and Shiva house, the passing, the transitioning of your father, with reverence and love, and gratitude for what his transition means for you, and for Marc, and for the world. Yes, I just want to presence with that for a moment. 

AUBREY: Yeah, thank you, brother. 

SCOTT: My father just transitioned on March the sixth. And my dad, I idolized and adored him in everything that he did as a boy. Like all the shadow expressions of him. The way he hurt me, the way he treated me, the way he loved me, the way he shamed me, all of it, I adopted as my way of being as a young man and as a man. And about 20 years ago, I got sober and started my healing journey with my dad. And that took a significant amount of time to make amends to him for the harms that I had caused him, but he never reciprocated any amends to me for any harms he had caused me. I was discerning, peeling back layers of of what was the conditioning of my dad that I wanted to keep? I think this is, like Marc, you keep talking about the pathology, What was the pathology that was important to me, and meaningful to me, versus what was it that I wanted to discard? As I went and spent time in this seven days with my mom and my sister and my dad, we had this deeply connecting experience together. 

My mom came to me, and she goes, "For 50 years, your dad has been everything to me. And he's been the rock and the anchor. And now, son, you are." And I experienced this passing of the torch of the father to the son. And she handed to me this mantle. She passed the mantle to me, and this responsibility to me. While I was there for the week, my dad ended up transitioning on March 6, and I experienced in that time, all of the shadow aspects within me that were fear, were anger, were control, or judgment, superiority, arrogance, all of these elements that I had learned from my dad, all dissolved, and they integrated. 

And literally, through this whole process, I've been in a state of bliss and love and complete and utter love, like the love of the Father. And my question is, this ascension has occurred, once we ascend into this place of divine love as the Father, how do we bring this back down into matter, and live it through our life? How do I live it through my life? How do I bring it back into the world, into the 3D, such that I can help other men to heal the wounds with their fathers, to heal the pathology of their fathers to ascend into the mythology and even higher into the Father? The one without a second, the all-pervasive reality, right?

AUBREY: Yeah, so one thing that occurs to me is that you're already doing it, brother. Matter is the body, right? It's this lived experience that you're having right now, this sense of bliss, and this sense of forgiveness that's emanating from you. There's sometimes these fancy ideas of what integration is. Integration is actually when you feel the lived reality of the insight that you gained. So, you are integrating it into matter, into reality, into the 3D, and this emanation that you will carry from your own source point, which is yourself, will actually flow naturally out into the world. So, the question that you're asking, how do I do this? You've already answered the question by what you're actually experiencing. To me, that's what it feels like. To me is that you're proposing a hypothetical question that's already been answered in reality. 

And so, really, my response to you would be is to just see that you're doing it. And we have a lot of fancy kind of almost shamanic New Age ideas about what integration means. But integration to me just means that this is now a part of you. And also to know that this may waver, and you may find some of those old patterns and old traumas, and things that emerge again, and then to continue to go through that, to Kuhn, and find yourself back to this place over and over again, as many times as you can. And then to just share that naturally by the presence of your being in lived reality in your own body, that will carry this legacy of evolution and understanding forward.

MARC: Amen. 

AUBREY: Yeah. Amen.

MARC: Amen. Thank you. 

AUBREY: Thank you, brother.

MARC: Joanie, good to meet you. Yeah, thank you.

CLAIRE: I have Ken's question up next.

AUBREY: All right, Ken. Let's go. 

KEN: Hey, guys. So I was wondering if you could talk just a little more about the connection of the son and the sun. Aubrey has a little bit of reference for that. I have a specific connection to that. But I'm curious if you can just go a little more into that.

MARC: Take it away, brother.

AUBREY: I would actually like to turn this to you. Because I wonder what the sacred texts have said, particularly the Hebrew wisdom lineage. We've never discussed this. We've never discussed the relationship to the sun actually, and where that shows up in any of the lineage texts. So I'm actually really curious to hear from you about--

MARC: That's a big one. That's a big one. 

AUBREY: What's even the word for sun?

MARC: Shemesh. The sun. Good to meet you, brother. So, the son is the great, devoted one. That's the meaning of the word sun in the original Hebrew. The shemesh is the one who is in devotion. And in the lineage of the sun, and this lineage is both... And again, what we're trying to do, brother, in this new story of value, we call it the dharma or cosmo-erotic humanism, is integrate interior and exterior sciences. So, let's do it together right now. So the sun is in an erotic intimate dance with the Earth. We could write a lot of science on that, we actually have in our phenomenology of Eros that we're working on, there's an entire section on the sun, and in the dance of the sun. When you actually track the sun, all the way through the chlorophyll molecule, and in the process of photosynthesis, without which you and I are not having and we're not having this conversation, you get that actually, there's a series of erotic intimacies, which generate more erotic intimacy, which generate more erotic intimacies that are actually have been tracked and mapped. 

It's kind of the new erotica. Science is the new erotica. Science is actually mapping the galactic and terrestrial intimacies that were actually invisible. So, mythology was pointing to them. Mythology was trying to depict them mythopoetically. But actually, science is in the best sense of the word, pornographic. I mean, it's not sufficient to kind of allude to them. We're going to actually show you exactly how this fuck is working. Close up. And you're actually going to see this erotic galactic set of intimacies, which is precisely what we've done in astrophysics, and what we've done in physics and what we've done in molecular biology in the last 50 years. It's was actually shocking. So there's this shocking process of reality as erotic intimacy, and the suns, which is this unimaginable, infinite erotic power, virtually infinite representing. 

When you actually get what the sun is, you realize why they worshiped the sun. I mean, in other words... Of course, the mistake was to isolate the sun from the cosmos. But actually, you get the sun is unimaginable, scientifically. And in the interior sciences, we actually do this enormous frustration to the sun because we're actually in devotion to that erotic intimacy. Now, let's just go one more small step because this is too big of a conversation for now, but it's a beautiful way to end. It couldn't be a more beautiful way to end, right? Which is, the sun lives in you and me. Every proton, electron, neutron, muon, Hadron, that lives in us is literally nourished by the sun. So that the sun is literally loving us open. She's in devotion to us. You and I can't breathe without the sun's mad devotion. And so the son, the Christ, the Son Aubrey, the sun, my friend with the great hat, right? Oh my God, Ken, the son Ken, the son is the sun. The son is actually the sun. The sun lives in us, and the devotional power of the sun lives in us. 

We said yesterday, and I'll turn it to Aub to close this. we said yesterday that devotion is so often in our culture a booby prize. When someone's not talented, we say, but they're very devoted. Now actually, devotion is awesome. We get to be devoted to each other. In the old world, one of the ways the teacher got corrupted, Father got corrupted because the teacher is a form of the Father. The teacher expected devotion from everyone but forgot that the teacher needs to be in devotion. The Father and Son are in devotion to each other. The teacher and the student are in devotion to each other. Lovers are in devotion to each other. Actually, all of reality is in this mad perpetual devotion, and there's no desire without devotion. 

And what is desire? Desire's the explosion of devotion in the body. When I'm frustrated before the goddess in desire, I'm in mad devotion. So the sun, the Sun, she's in devotion, she lives in us. And she opens us up to desire and devotion at every second. Ken, what a gorgeous inquiry. You made our heart sing. Thank you. 

KEN: Thanks. The sun lives in us all.

MARC: Hot damn, brother. Lives in us all. The son and the sun.

AUBREY: I mean, I just, I can't help myself just because of my own curiosity. How often did the masters actually talk about that relationship? And you explained it from the cosmo-erotic humanism lens, but how often did the masters in this tradition that you've studied so closely, how often do they correlate the two, Son and God? Elohim or Adonai--

MARC: So, here's the thing. And Ken, I should not answer this question that Aubrey is asking. I'm just going to say something super short, which is, but you'll get it in in a second, brother, with all of our time together. They were doing a dance here, because they were dealing with paganism in its shadow. They wanted to liberate the spark of sacred paganism. But the shadows of paganism had seized on the sun and turned it into an ultimate and absolute power, dissociated from the broader cosmo-erotic field. So there's two literatures. There's a public literature about the sun, which actually critiques the kind of idolatrous view of the sun. But then there's a hidden literature about the sun, which says, oh, no, no, all that shit they're saying about the sun is actually true. But it's an expression of she, and it's not dissociated from she. So that's why it's very hard. You've got to look for the literatures, but they're there.

AUBREY: That's beautiful. Maybe we'll do a holy of holies on this one at some point. 

MARC: Hot damn. 

AUBREY: All right, family. Thank you so much for tuning in. We're going to have two more of these conversations after we move through the Shiva, and after we move through the ceremony. And we're doing our best to kind of document this whole process and package it in some different ways. And ways in which not only can you guys feel this, and see this, but also things that you can share because this is a stage of life that we all move through, the death of the Father. And how do we do this in this new story that we're building together? How do we do this with the most grace, the most healing, the most love, the most beauty? 

MARC: Yeah, the most beauty. 

AUBREY: The most beauty. Amen. Thank you so much, everybody. We'll see you guys in less than a week.

MARC: Okay, love you mad, brother.